What the actual cheese.
Cheese. Is it cheesy? I don't know.
Can something be so cliched that it's not? Uh...can you tell me? I'm sorry, this movie left me suffering from PTSD, or some form of it. I have no idea what to think.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT...?
Kung Fu Hustle. What is it?
That's a very good question. And...I don't exactly know how to answer it. It's a movie...with a lot of kung fu fighting? *cue song*
Seriously people, this movie doesn't have much of a plot of anything. Or any practicality whatsoever. It's like it said 'Logic? Screw that, it's so last century, man.' In many ways, it reminds me of how Emperor's New Groove didn't take anything seriously. Those of you who've watched that movie know exactly what I'm talking about.
But I suppose I should tell you about...what goes on. We start out with a police office. Sounds of a guy getting his bottom roundly kicked are sounding as we pan throughout the building. Finally, we discover that it's a cop being beat up by a gang leader for imprisoning his wife. The gang walks out the door and immediately gets surrounded by another gang, except this gang is a lot bigger. Like, a loooot bigger. They're called the 'Ax Gang'. For good reason - every single one of them carries an ax. But they also use tommy guns. They wipe out the other gang with extreme prejudice.
Then, after a little exposition text, we switch to a poor district of whatever city this movie takes place. The landlord is a total haha...
hahaha....
HAHAHAHAHA
Sorry. I...this...can't explain this movie.
Brownie points to whoever directed this piece of...I don't know. Brilliance? Stupidity? Laziness? Awesomeness? What the...?
Let's see if I can give you an example of the weirdness of this movie.
The landlord of the main complex is a total wimp who gets beat up by his wife all the time. He's made out of something indestructible, though, 'cause he survives a three-story drop face-first onto concrete. But he and his wife are both jerks. When they get attacked by the ax gang three of the building's tenants turn out to be long-lost masters of kung fu. But they get killed by assassins who use a lute that fires bladed weapons when strummed. But those assassins get killed by the landlord and lady, who turn out to also be masters of kung fu. The landlady is a master of the 'Roaring Lion' style, which means she can scream so loud she can crack building structure. The landlord is master of what I will call the 'Whispering Wind' style, which is actually probably the most viable martial arts style in this whole friggin' movie. There's also this guy who knows flash-step kung fu called The Beast who defeats the landlord and lady but in return is defeated by the main character who learns this weird Force technique called the Buddha Palm or somesuch. Use the force, Chu.
If, by now, you're staring at this block of text like 'Whaaaa' then congratulations. You know how I feel.
END SPOILERS
All the stunts in this movie - and I mean all of them - are completely unrealistic. So is the fighting. So are the characters. Things happen and there's no explanation. It's just pure, mindless, fake entertainment.
So...I don't know how to rate this. Bad, because of its outright outrageously unbelievable makeup? Or good, because maybe that's what the director was trying to accomplish? Or mediocre perhaps, since it really only made me laugh in confusion/astonishment/arghpaarghaledfldsffhaoid?
I don't HEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAAHA
HAHAEHEHEKNOWHAHAHEEHEH
WAHTEHACTUELHEEEEEHEHEHEHEEEH
Excuse me while I call a mental hospital.
