If you've not played this game, this won't make much sense.
Kamino: 0500 hours.
Looking down the proverbial scope of my proverbial sniper at the proverbial AI charging up the proverbial ramp in a straight line directly into my proverbial crosshairs, I give a proverbial sigh and wonder if I really don't know what proverbial means, and if I use it too much.
Click!
Click!
Click!
I've been what gamers call 'camping' on a high outpost that, in the Battlefront version of Kamino, creates a landscape I'm fairly certain is similar to that of Omaha Beach in WWII, because the carnage is pretty intense.
Or maybe the AI are just stupid. Yeah. That's probably it, I think. Man, they sure do like that little spot in my scope that equals their head getting blown off...
Whoops! Wonder if that stormtrooper had a family? He got hisself involved in the wrong massacre, at any rate. Bet he was a terrible dad.
An engineer behind me tosses me some more ammo, which is good, because if I wander off to go refill my ammo for even thirty seconds, the enemy AI are probably going to swarm the center of the map...the platform I've been sweeping clear. My team really couldn't survive without me. I probably account for at least a third of the enemy casualties.
"You're on FIRE!" plays one of the AI encouragement lines.
Thanks, pal. You know why? Because you sorry lot couldn't hit the broadside of the Pentagon with an airplane. So I have to pick up the pace to balance out your incompetent...
Yeah, thanks for the shout-out, anyway.
Tatooine: 0530.
Dance for me! DAAAAAANCE!
It's not even a challenge. And the difficulty's supposedly set on 'Elite'? Maybe I've just had this game for too long.
It's the Tuskens vs Jawas, and if you're any fan of Star Wars then you know without a doubt who should win this matchup. Not only are they friggin' nomadic hunters, the Tuskens are just...better. Period.
But nope. Screw logic! Says Battlefront, and the Jawas are winning. It's probably because A. They're smaller and thus harder to hit and B. Their weapons shoot chain lightning that is practically impossible to miss with.
But you know who I went with anyway? The Tuskens. And here I am, charging around doing CQB with a bolt-action beam rifle, because aw yeah, that's how I roll.
Wait, the Jawas are still kicking our butts? Hold on a second...
-Three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later-
HALF OF MY TEAM SCORED NO KILLS AT ALL?
Bollocks.
Tatooine: 0600 hours.
We're back! And this time it's a Heroes vs Villians, in an all-out epic duel of the century!
I choose you, Villians!
All right, here I am, rockin' my Vader, charging these cretins and...oh, I'm dead.
Who killed me? LEAH? You're kidding.
Respawning...yup...gonna kick some AI Princess rear...
WHAT? SPAWN CAMPING IS FOR HUMANS, YOU STUPID COMPUTER!
THAT SABER THROW WAS TOTALLY AIMBOT!
YOU GANGED UP! FIGHT ME LIKE MEN!
YOU HEROES ARE SO OP!
~Defeat~
Hackers.
