Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Review

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS
I will let you know when they occur, but be warned anyway.

So, Star Waaaaaaaaaars! Yay!
DUN, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun da dun dun da dun dun da dun dun dun DUUUUUN...dun dun dun DUN, DUUNN, dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN, dun, dun dun dun DUUUUUN: dun, dun dun da dun!

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THIS FREAKING LONG INTRO TEXT.

IT'S LIKE WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD LONG. WHY.

So I saw Star Wars VII in theaters and let me tell you oh man oh boy oh buddy was it...

...average.

Now, hold the phone, don't start to force-choke me just yet, let me explain! And just so you know, I'm a huge Star Wars fan and everything, so don't think I don't know where you're coming from. Probably. If you're not a rabid fan then great news - I can probably relate to that too.
Maybe.

I'll give you a crushed trachea for Christmas!

First let me say this: when I say 'average', I really meant 'good'. If you take Star Wars VII out of the Star Wars universe and just look at it as a standalone movie, then it's solid. It doesn't suffer from any major plotholes - at least, I haven't noticed any. It's not too terribly unbelievable either. It's a nice movie to watch if you just want a cool story arc set in a cool setting with cool characters.

But now, let's get to why I think it's average.

SPOILER ALERT!

You have been warned.

First of all: this movie departs from canon. I know, I know, shout at me that "the movies came first" all you want, you're wrong. The movies did come first. And you know what came after that? The books. And the books created a huge universe beyond what George Lucas even came up with in the six movies he made, four of which he messed up with his grubby writing hands. The books fixed all of that (mostly) and then expanded on it, constructing a gigantic storyline that was so well done it's delicious.

The fact that J.J. Abrams decided not to follow those books is very disappointing, for me at least. I really wanted to see them stick to the expanded universe, and I know a lot of fans who feel the same way.

That being said, however, I also think that it was totally within their rights to make something new, and they did. I can't argue with billions of dollars. Quality of storytelling though...

Secondly: this movie is almost nothing but a huge nostalgiafest. It almost made me sick. It's like they're shoving the parallels between VII and IV in your face, saying "Remember this? Oh, it's been so long, hasn't it? Isn't it so great that we're back? Isn't it? ISN'T IT?? YOUR MONEY WAS WELL SPENT RIGHT?? IT TOTALLY WAS!! HRRRRRPLGHRRRRRRRR EPISODE FOUR HRRRPLAAAAAAAARGHL!"

LOVE ME!! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??!! PLEEEEEASE!!!!

Thirdly: they have some rather unbelievable 'coincidences'. Like this person just so happens to have this thing, which belonged to this other guy, whose hand was cut off years ago and he lost that thing...in a trash chute on a gas planet...but they just so happen to have it anyway.

Yeah movie.

Yeah.

Lastly but not leastly, Kylo Ren. Man, such hype for his big reveal, right? He had such a cool lookin' lightsaber, intimidating mask, and everything, but then when those first words issued forth from his vocabulator, it was a Bane all over again. His voice is nowhere near the intimidating bass of James Earl Jones. 

But I could totally stand that, right? It was all cool, as long as he didn't take his helmet off...

oh.

Oh wait.

He did.

Big mistake.

What were you thinking, J.J. Abrams? He looked and acted like some emo kid. Did I mention Kylo Ren also throws temper tantrums? Seriously? He could at least kill a few more people instead of smashing machinery and waving around his lightsaber like a toddler. You're a disgrace to the Sith order, my young padawan. Go back to Han and Leia where you belong.

Oh yeah, that's the other thing - Kylo Ren's real name is Ben, and he's the son of Han and Leia. Which is quite the slap in the face of canon, seeing as how in the books Ben is the son of Luke Skywalker and his wife Mara Jade. And he doesn't turn evil.

Did I also mention that he kills Han Solo? I mean, that's totally cool - Harrison Ford might not last many more movies anyhow - but he breaks down like a two-year-old while doing it. Again, disgrace to the Sith Order. Be more evil, dude. No one is scared of you.

Of course there's the Emperor-figure sitting somewhere in the shadows behind Ren, but let's be honest - I'm more scared of my little sister when she hasn't cut her nails in weeks. And then there's Death Star 2 2.0, which was laughable. Don't even get me started on that hunk of space junk.

And my final beef with this too full-of-itself-movie is...

Get a respirator, dude.

END SPOILERS

All in all, it was a good movie on its own. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but I also can't say it lived up to its hype. Within the Star Wars universe, it's just meh. Cool, but meh.

So that's it in a nutshell. Meh.

*sits down and starts to read canon*

Avatar, The Last Airbender: Review

I'll be honest, I watched this series more or less because a lot of people I know are crazy about it. I kept hearing about it and so, not wanting to be left out on the scoop, I decided to watch it.

Bad news: I got, like, four episodes in and quit. That was it. Boring, slow-paced, not my style. The main characters were a bunch of kids (/teenagers, I have no idea how old any of them are), for goodness' sake, and that's almost always a terrible idea. 

Good news: I eventually went back and decided to slog through the rest of it. And I'll be honest - it was a slog.

Now let's get down to some good and bad things.

What does Avatar: The Last Airbender have going for it?

Well, it's got some great dialogue, characters, and character development. Honestly, you get pretty attached to the characters portrayed, and it's because they're portrayed well. Aang's a loveable, goofy kid who's got a lot to learn. Katara's a bossy, soft-hearted mothering type who's always responsible (when she's not acting immature with Toph). Sokka's an idiotic, stubborn genius(ish) who is the comedic relief. Zuko's that annoying kid you wish Iroh would've smacked about the head a little more often. Toph is pure, unadulterated awesome.

And I could go on. Their conversations are intelligent and interesting, for the most part. And the progression of each person throughout the series is well done.

Not to mention, of course, that the choreography of the fight scenes is satisfying.

Disclaimer: fanart, not actual screenshot.

But it wouldn't be honest to display it as all sunshine and roses. Avatar: The Last Airbender also drags. And I mean draaaaaags. Each season (of which there are three) has about twenty episodes each. And although each episode is only about twenty minutes, that's still...what, more than twelve hundred minutes of my life that I'll never get back. 

Also, there are many times where the plot feels forced. A character explodes for some reason or other and instead of calming down like any practical person would, stays pig-headed and nooooo, the plot must go on! (i.e. Katara and Toph's arguments, Aang's numerous runoffs, and Zuko's teenagey broodiness.)

Brood brood brood. Wait, wrong picture.

That being said, much of Avatar's extra content is well kneaded into the plot, and if you've got the patience it helps to flesh out the characters and world more. It could be better woven in, but it's not terrible.

Once you get to the third season, everything starts to speed up. I think practically any Avatar fan would agree that the third season is the best. The pacing is good, the story is great, and things are finally starting to come to a point. 

SPOILER ALERT

Some things you should be aware of:

Avatar TLA has practically no swearing at all. Hallelujah. It's so clean I almost get a virtual shower just watching it. Plus, there is no immodesty/immorality at all (or at least very, very little). Not even innuendo! 

Yeah, okay, there are some couples and they kiss. Bad life choices. What can I say, they're angsty teenagers and they don't know their way around relationships. 

I did NOT see this relationship coming and it will always be hilarious.

But other than that, Avatar TLA gets full marks for being clean.

It's pretty funny as well. The first season...not so much, but the second season, especially around when Toph joins the team, is when it gets a lot better. The third season is just great all around.

Also, Toph. Is. Awesome. That is all.

Toph will be waiting.

As awesome as Toph is, though, nothing will ever top the awesomeness that is General Iroh. Seriously. 

He's a very powerful firebender, on par with the firelord. Notice how, when offered to fight the firelord, he refused because he didn't want people to see brother fighting brother, not because he couldn't win. Not to mention he was one of the best generals in the fire nation.

Also, he's probably the smartest person in the entire series. No, scratch that: he is the smartest person in the series. He escapes from being captured as well as imprisoned twice, saves his nephew's rear on more than one occasion, knows how to work with people, and in general gives out great advice. So I don't care what you think, he's the best character. Period.

And tea fanatic.

END SPOILERS

So should you take the time to watch it? Yes, definitely. It's worth it. Could be a lot shorter, but it's worth it nonetheless. You'll enjoy it more after the first season.

It's also way better than Legend of Korra.

Peace out.

Hurpy Burthdur Tur Yur

Hurdurr.

It is interesting that we celebrate the day we were brought into this world. And depending on your faith, reasons are quite different.

If you're an unbeliever, what point is there? You're one day closer to eternal punishment every day. You're one day deeper into sin. You know that the only reason to celebrate it, deep down, is to distract yourself from what looms in the future. Strange, right?

But...if you're a believer, how joyous! God's given you another year to glorify Him! You're one step closer to eternal joy. Life is so good, so purposeful, so satisfying! Sure, the remnants of sin are still hanging around in your soul, but every day is a step further in sanctification. You're one day further in revealing God's wonderful purpose for your life.

So celebrate! Have a laugh - and a cake, unless you're like me and don't like them - and have fun! And lest you start feeling too happy, remember that you're worthless and hopeless and all-around despicable.

Here's something else that's worthless and hopeless.

Yeah! Woo hoo! All right! Yaaay....?

No but really, happy birthday.

Cancer: Death and Free Stuff, Basically

So...my little brother was diagnosed with leukemia recently. It was kind of a shock, given as he'd seemed perfectly fine. Right after he got back from our missions trip to the DR, he started complaining about not being able to see right out of his eyes, then about backaches, then about prettty-much-everything aches. He got a fever. He was incessantly tired and weak. Basically, he was a sack of disease.

This picture has some relevance. Somehow. I think.

Well, we took him for an x-ray. Lo and behold, that wasn't enough. He had to go to the hospital for some more advanced tests. Then came the results - "So yeah...he's got cancer."

I'm good. Screw off.

Needless to say, it was kind of a first for all of us. Cancer's that thing you always hear about, but it seems like it'll never come around to you. I personally took it in stride, I think, because the first thing I thought was "Oh, he'll be fine." Which was an interesting sentiment considering that if we had left him a tiny bit longer without going to the doctor, he'd be dead. 

Let me tell you, having a church family that cares about you is so touching. The day the announcement was emailed, our house was flooded with phone calls from people who just wanted to say they were praying for us. I got several messages on Facebook as well, and the posts my parents put up were swamped with people who wanted to let us know they cared.

Weird how people were asking me if Jonathan was okay. I mean, uh, he's got cancer. No.

Yup! Spiffing!

Fortunately, he's doing okay now. His was a very strange case, considering his cancer was probably brought on by his autoimmune disorder. The nurses told us they'd never seen such an extreme case (for those of you who don't know, leukemia is basically when defective white blood cells start crowding out healthy red blood cells. The normal count is around one white blood cell per 600 or so red blood cells. I think.) My brother's numbers were in the hundreds of thousands. 

Strangely enough, though, he responded crazily well to the treatments they gave him. They expected to keep him for several weeks, but ended up sending him home around one and a half. Prayers work, people!

"Can I have a penny?"

"In a minute."

Well, now he's at home. His hair is going to fall out sometime, which we are all eagerly waiting for (there WILL BE PICTURES). However, he basically has no immune system because of the chemotherapy he's receiving. So if you're sick, stay the *%^& away.

...

One last thing, though. Since he has a life-threatening disease, he qualifies for this thing called the Make A Wish foundation. This organization tries to fulfill the wishes of children with terminal diseases. Now, obviously, you can't wish for a billion dollars. But all he has to do is write a semi-convincing and grammatically correct essay and he can get hisself a laptop.

A laptop. 

For an essay.

Seeing as he's not dead, or dying, I call foul. Spend your hard-earned money, you little git!

Just kidding. He's had a hard time. He can have it.

Time is Money, Money is Time, I'm broke.

No, not really. Not yet. But it's sure looking like it'll be that way.

I've hit that stage in life (is it a stage? Someone tell me it's a stage) where you feel old when you're young and you feel like you could do anything even though you have no resources.
Yeah, it's a stage. Remember that meme?

When you're young you have all the energy and time but no money.

When you're an adult you have all the energy and money but no time.

When you're old you have all the time and money but no energy.

Paradox of life. I'm still in that stage where I'm practically like every market dealer in Skyrim:

If you don't know what Skyrim is, I salute and pity you.

That's basically me in a thrift store, mates.

Strictly speaking, though, I'm a rich man. There are starving children in Africa, and I debate as to whether or not I should have pizza or salad for dinner.

(Both. Always both.)

Not strictly speaking - or some other transitional phrase like that - I'm just about to depart overseas for a missions trip to the Dominican Republic. You know where that is, right? I mean, you know this guy, right?

RESPUESTA EQUIVOCADA!

Apologies. Only about four people in the world might get that joke.

One of which is Asian.

How is that funny?

Because Asians, dimwit.

Isn't that racist?

Racist, shmacist.

I think you should stop now.

Shut up! I can stop whenever I want to!

Put down the beer.

So it's for, say, two weeks. I appreciate any supplications and support you're willing to offer - all four of you. And I need to focus. This beer really isn't helping.

Fercersh. Focursh. Fercus. Frocrus. Blasht it!

Jusht kidding. I dern't drunk.

Well, not in the US anyway. There was that one time last time I went to the Dominican Republic...eh heh heh...

Stay thirsty, my friends...

On College - Listen to Sensei

Sit down, kiddos, I'm going to tell you a story.

No, not that story.

Once upon a time there was a college student. He had done pretty decently in high school, gotten a nice-looking GPA, graduated with high honors blah blah. But now he was in a whole new world. And the government looked at this little student, laughed, and gave him a maze of things to do called 'regulations'.

"You got through Calculus, you can get through this."

The little student was bungling his way through, slamming into walls and confusedly looking around, wondering where to go. He tried calling to the government for help, but they just laughed and gave him some elevator music to listen to.

Finally, he broke through. He'd done it. He'd finally registered for classes. He'd transferred his transcript, filled out the FAFSA, done the sexual assualt courses and yada yada. He went to college and was delighted to start learning new things, preparing for the world, and...

Oh, wait, no. He basically had to sit through two more years of nothing but a repeat of high school, paying through his nose for stuff he didn't want or need and being squeezed dry by living expenses. 

I was looking for photos on how college is a lie, but this'll work too.

So now I hope you're all excited for high school graduation! That 4.0 GPA will look really nice when you're eating ramen in a foreign country, like Idaho or someplace similar.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Avengers: Hey, Ultron's 40

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Someone apparently put a picture of Ultron into a website that determines age based on photos, and his age came up to about 40 years old. Figures, I guess?

He's actually pretty guapo for a 40 year old.

Avengers: Age of Ultron was a fun watch. I don't think I'll even go into describing the plot, because it's mother sealin' long. And my left hand hurts. And it would be a drag.

Was it worth going to the theater twice? Yeah, I'd say so. They sure loaded this sequel with a lot of humor, which I'm cool with. Save for how they made fun of cussing. Were they making fun of it? They were, right? Someone tell me it doesn't seem clear cut what their intentions were in that for you, as well.

They probably could have condensed it a bit, but hey, more bang for your buck...? The length really wasn't a problem for me, and I don't think it would be for anybody. I think. More film, more fun, hey? Bite me.

Someone tell me what's up with Romanov and Banner. I could almost swear Joss Whedon was trolling all the Marvel fans out there. Does that happen in the comics? Even if it does, it still doesn't make it any less weird.

"What's supposed to happen next?"

"I don't know. Why are we two inches away from each other? I didn't sign on for this, Whedon!"

I really enjoyed Ultron's personality and how they kind of did a 'Psych!' thing with how he was portrayed so menacingly in the trailers. Hey kids, don't ever trust a movie trailer. They're like TV salesmen: they look and sound cool, but they're just trying to sucker you in for money.
Hey, wait, that's every type of marketing device, ever. Uh, kids, don't trust ads. Or TV. Or people.

"You see, blu-ray is the experience everyone needs, because it enhances the picture so much and...uh...this...isn't supposed to be happening."

I'll probably get it for five bucks in some overseas country and enjoy the 240p quality I deserve.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Recollections and Reevaluations

You know when you look back over your life and think "Man, I was so stupid when I was fourteen."
Yeah, that.
Well, I was pretty stupid when I was fourteen. Still pretty stupid. Probably will continue to be stupid, hopefully in smaller increments.

Viola!

But let's not get caught in a rut of focusing on how I'm terrible - after all, when life gives you lemons, squeeze 'em for all they're worth. So let's see what's going on nowadays.

-I'm currently at the ripe old age of seventeen - and - a - half.

-Prepping for my first year of college (though, to be technical - and boast a bit - I've already dual enrolled my first year).

Just replace the $100 bills with $20s. Actually, $10s. No, $5s. You know what, just empty it altogether.

-Riding the wonderful roller coaster of life, on which no barf bags or seals are given.

-I have a couple wiriting projects under way (I'm narrowing my gaze a lot, so I can focus on completing what I've started), one of which is a fan-fiction for a game I used to play. Of which you can find the first chapter here. Don't bite too hard.

-Enjoying my summer, and hating it.


I really can't say how blogging will be in the future for me. I was seriously tempted to delete all of the blogs I have, but then decided that it's a good reminder of the dunce I used to be.
As for future posts, don't hold your breath (not like there are many of you that would kill).

Stay thirsty my friends.

Confessions of a Ten Year Old

Mom, remember back when the vase broke and I blamed it on the dog? I lied. We have no dog.

That time the toilet was clogged and it turned out that the pipes were stuffed with full pieces of broccoli? That's how it came out.

When I put a cockroach down Uncle Jim's shirt? He told me to. The cockroach, I mean.

Remember when I said the dog ate my homework? I lied. I ate it. Also, we have no dog.

Sometimes during the night, when everyone's asleep, I sneak into the kitchen and have a drink of water.

When I say I don't know how to do that math problem, I really mean I hate the fact that this universe has to add up.

That girl who I threw that rock at and gave a concussion? She's my one true love. We're getting married as soon as she gets out of hospice and turns 21. 

When you walked in on me sucking my finger and scolded me for acting like a baby? I was actually just picking my nose and eating it.

When I baked those really weird tasting muffins? That was cocaine, not flour. And they were technically patties.

I don't actually go to sleep when you want me to. I just stay awake, lying there. For minutes. Dreaming.

Oh. Wait.