Day 2

MAY 26:
5:00 a.m.: Fall out of bed.

5:01 a.m.: Crawl over to alarm clock and turn it off.

5:05 a.m.: Get dressed.

5:10 a.m.: Climb into hunting stand.

5:10:05 a.m.: Forgot gun.

5:15 a.m.: Take shot of antifreeze.

5:20 a.m.: Take potshot at annoying squirrel who decided to get up early.

5:20:01 a.m.: Gun barrel shatters - misfire.

5:25 a.m.: Angrily set dynamite traps. Go back inside.

5:30 a.m.: Not sleepy. Turn on the telly.

5:35 a.m.: Wife stumbles downstairs and demolishes television, then heads back upstairs to get some more sleep.

5:40 a.m.: Dynamite traps go off.

5:43 a.m.: Definitely killed something. Can't tell what it is.

5:50 a.m.: Shovel dirt into holes in lawn caused by dynamite.

6:30 a.m.: Annoying squirrel apparently wasn't the one who set off the trap. Bummer.

7:00 a.m.: Toast bread is moldy. Coffee is gone. Wife is mad. Day is off to a horrible start.

7:01:01 a.m.: You don't say.

8:00 a.m.: After makeshift breakfast of ramen and milk, head off to store to buy new telly.

9:00 a.m.: Find out ramen wasn't supposed to taste like cherries.

9:00:05 a.m.: Vomit breakfast over dashboard.

9:15 a.m.: Head home.

10:00 a.m.: Favorite football team loses game. Have choice words with new telly.

11:00 a.m.: Wife gets up, says she won't make you a sandwich.

12:00 p.m.: Contemplate setting dynamite trap for wife.

12:01 p.m.: Dismiss idea. Wife would probably scare dynamite.

1:00 p.m.: Favorite baseball team loses game. Demolish new telly in fit of rage.

2:00 p.m.: Arrive home from store with new telly.

2:05 p.m.: Decide not to watch any more telly today.

3:00 p.m.: Mow lawn.

3:05 p.m.: While on mower, discover active land mine.

3:10 p.m.: Rushed to hospital.

4:00 p.m.: The good news is, the shrapnel was all extracted. The bad news is, you have cancer.

4:05 p.m.: The good news is, the hospital has a telly. The bad news is, you just demolished it because it looked at you funny.

6:00 p.m.: After numerous prescriptions, appointments, and remunerations for broken hospital property, head home.

6:30 p.m.: Wife has finally made sandwich. Perhaps life isn't that bad after all.

6:30:05 p.m.: Actually it is, because it was made with the moldy bread.

6:45 p.m.: Stumble to couch in pain. Contemplate the meaning of life.

7:00 p.m.: Have animated debate with telly. The stupid thing is looking at you funny again.

7:01 p.m.: Too tired to demolish telly. Settle for turning it on and off multiple times, mumbling "That'll teach you to give me the cold shoulder, you useless hunk of junk."

7:05 p.m.: Telly replies "You're having a bad day. Shut up and go to bed."

7:05:05 p.m.: Throw controller at telly and run upstairs like a scared (and furious) rabbit.

8:00 p.m.: Log on to internet.

8:30 p.m.: Lose all hope in humanity. Log off internet.

9:00 p.m.: Contemplate suicide.

9:01 p.m.: Remember that gun is already busted. Blast.

9:05 p.m.: Remember you still have a stick of dynamite left.

9:10 p.m.: Light the fuse.

9:10:10 p.m.: It's a dud.

9:11 p.m.: Scream in rage and dash into kitchen frantically.

9:11:05 p.m.: Grab kitchen knife and slit throat.

9:12 p.m.: Wrong throat - at least she'll be with you in the afterlife!

9:13 p.m.: Join wife on floor, bleeding out.

9:15 p.m.: See white light - everything fades.

______________________________________________________________________________

5:25 a.m.: Wake up. Look around.

5:30 a.m.: Realize you're still in your hunting stand.

5:31 a.m.: Gun is still busted.

5:35 a.m.: Bird poops on your face.

5:40 a.m.: Aim and fire.

5:40:05 a.m.: Gun is broken, idiot.

5:45 a.m.: Crawl back in bed. Something's missing.

5:46 a.m.: Ah, right. Wife isn't there.

5:50 a.m.: Find wife on kitchen floor.

5:51 a.m.: Am I in heaven?

5:51:05 a.m.: Blink. Wife isn't there anymore.

5:52 a.m.: You're not married, idiot. Go back to bed.

6:00 a.m.: Collapse in bed.

6:01 a.m.: Remember it's actually Sunday, not Saturday.

6:01:05 a.m.: ...

...

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Snap.