Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Review

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS
I will let you know when they occur, but be warned anyway.

So, Star Waaaaaaaaaars! Yay!
DUN, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun da dun dun da dun dun da dun dun dun DUUUUUN...dun dun dun DUN, DUUNN, dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN, dun, dun dun dun DUUUUUN: dun, dun dun da dun!

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THIS FREAKING LONG INTRO TEXT.

IT'S LIKE WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD LONG. WHY.

So I saw Star Wars VII in theaters and let me tell you oh man oh boy oh buddy was it...

...average.

Now, hold the phone, don't start to force-choke me just yet, let me explain! And just so you know, I'm a huge Star Wars fan and everything, so don't think I don't know where you're coming from. Probably. If you're not a rabid fan then great news - I can probably relate to that too.
Maybe.

I'll give you a crushed trachea for Christmas!

First let me say this: when I say 'average', I really meant 'good'. If you take Star Wars VII out of the Star Wars universe and just look at it as a standalone movie, then it's solid. It doesn't suffer from any major plotholes - at least, I haven't noticed any. It's not too terribly unbelievable either. It's a nice movie to watch if you just want a cool story arc set in a cool setting with cool characters.

But now, let's get to why I think it's average.

SPOILER ALERT!

You have been warned.

First of all: this movie departs from canon. I know, I know, shout at me that "the movies came first" all you want, you're wrong. The movies did come first. And you know what came after that? The books. And the books created a huge universe beyond what George Lucas even came up with in the six movies he made, four of which he messed up with his grubby writing hands. The books fixed all of that (mostly) and then expanded on it, constructing a gigantic storyline that was so well done it's delicious.

The fact that J.J. Abrams decided not to follow those books is very disappointing, for me at least. I really wanted to see them stick to the expanded universe, and I know a lot of fans who feel the same way.

That being said, however, I also think that it was totally within their rights to make something new, and they did. I can't argue with billions of dollars. Quality of storytelling though...

Secondly: this movie is almost nothing but a huge nostalgiafest. It almost made me sick. It's like they're shoving the parallels between VII and IV in your face, saying "Remember this? Oh, it's been so long, hasn't it? Isn't it so great that we're back? Isn't it? ISN'T IT?? YOUR MONEY WAS WELL SPENT RIGHT?? IT TOTALLY WAS!! HRRRRRPLGHRRRRRRRR EPISODE FOUR HRRRPLAAAAAAAARGHL!"

LOVE ME!! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??!! PLEEEEEASE!!!!

Thirdly: they have some rather unbelievable 'coincidences'. Like this person just so happens to have this thing, which belonged to this other guy, whose hand was cut off years ago and he lost that thing...in a trash chute on a gas planet...but they just so happen to have it anyway.

Yeah movie.

Yeah.

Lastly but not leastly, Kylo Ren. Man, such hype for his big reveal, right? He had such a cool lookin' lightsaber, intimidating mask, and everything, but then when those first words issued forth from his vocabulator, it was a Bane all over again. His voice is nowhere near the intimidating bass of James Earl Jones. 

But I could totally stand that, right? It was all cool, as long as he didn't take his helmet off...

oh.

Oh wait.

He did.

Big mistake.

What were you thinking, J.J. Abrams? He looked and acted like some emo kid. Did I mention Kylo Ren also throws temper tantrums? Seriously? He could at least kill a few more people instead of smashing machinery and waving around his lightsaber like a toddler. You're a disgrace to the Sith order, my young padawan. Go back to Han and Leia where you belong.

Oh yeah, that's the other thing - Kylo Ren's real name is Ben, and he's the son of Han and Leia. Which is quite the slap in the face of canon, seeing as how in the books Ben is the son of Luke Skywalker and his wife Mara Jade. And he doesn't turn evil.

Did I also mention that he kills Han Solo? I mean, that's totally cool - Harrison Ford might not last many more movies anyhow - but he breaks down like a two-year-old while doing it. Again, disgrace to the Sith Order. Be more evil, dude. No one is scared of you.

Of course there's the Emperor-figure sitting somewhere in the shadows behind Ren, but let's be honest - I'm more scared of my little sister when she hasn't cut her nails in weeks. And then there's Death Star 2 2.0, which was laughable. Don't even get me started on that hunk of space junk.

And my final beef with this too full-of-itself-movie is...

Get a respirator, dude.

END SPOILERS

All in all, it was a good movie on its own. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but I also can't say it lived up to its hype. Within the Star Wars universe, it's just meh. Cool, but meh.

So that's it in a nutshell. Meh.

*sits down and starts to read canon*