So why is it that anything with a scrap of potential to be art in this world is sand-blasted clean of it with the hose of worldly grime? Because I just saw Now You See Me, and it was a towering disappointment.
I've gotten into the habit of looking up movies on IMDB, mostly for the parent's review which, for the most part, gives you a good overview of the questionable parts of the movie.
The only problem is, its standards aren't very high at times.
Whoever's in charge of the rating system needs to be replaced with, like, an Amish priest or something. Because seriously, the standards set by the current system are screwed up. Especially that PG-13 rating. Baloney Sandwiches, you sons of mothers. PG-13 could mean anything from "It's okay for 13 and up" or "Really rated R but we wanted more people to be suckered into seeing it because pee gee thurteeeeen".
So back to the movie I was talking about - I went to look it up. Okay, so the sexual content was questionable. Bordering on unwatchable (if it had been the extended version...definitely unwatchable), but not permanently scarring. Fine. Violence - well, I can deal with most violence. Language? Oh, well, not nearly as bad as some movies. Bordering on unwatchable, but still watchable...
...right?
Wrong. Was I ever so wrong. See, IMDB is usually accurate on everything, but this time they slipped up big-time when they missed about ten thousand religious expletives...you know, anything from OMG to GD to JC.
So what's the deal, IMDB? Did you think those didn't qualify as swearing? Why? Because they're religious? They didn't even mention religious expletives. But apparently 'hell' and 'damn' aren't in any way religious, because they certainly mention those.
So I went around after the movie to see if there were any sites that actually reported on this accurately. I even specifically searched for Christian movie sites, to see if they had any listings like IMDB's...and to my shock, almost zero results did. Some had vague references, like "Oh yeah, the swearing is bad". That's useless to me. Of course the swearing's bad. I want to know what specifically they say. If they drop an f-bomb once or twice, then I can stand to watch the movie. But a bucketload of taking the Lord's name in vain? Why, movie industry? Why?
Well, it's not like I don't expect movies to include this sort of garbage, but it would be really nice to know before I watch the movie.
Does anyone know of such a website that is very specific on what sort of bad stuff the movie includes? I will be in your debt for eternity. If not, I'm planning on starting some sort of blog that outlines this stuff myself. It needs to be done.
As for the movie, I don't recommend watching it, for reasons that should be obvious. It was visually impressive, the magic was neat, the characters shallow and the plot questionable. But the thousand nails in the coffin of Now You See Me is that, while it could have been passable, somebody thought "You know what this script is missing? A truckload of cussing."
Yeah. Wouldn't be a good movie without that, would it?
Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Rambling on: Star Wars Battlefront 2
If you've not played this game, this won't make much sense.
Kamino: 0500 hours.
Looking down the proverbial scope of my proverbial sniper at the proverbial AI charging up the proverbial ramp in a straight line directly into my proverbial crosshairs, I give a proverbial sigh and wonder if I really don't know what proverbial means, and if I use it too much.
Click!
Click!
Click!
I've been what gamers call 'camping' on a high outpost that, in the Battlefront version of Kamino, creates a landscape I'm fairly certain is similar to that of Omaha Beach in WWII, because the carnage is pretty intense.
Or maybe the AI are just stupid. Yeah. That's probably it, I think. Man, they sure do like that little spot in my scope that equals their head getting blown off...
Whoops! Wonder if that stormtrooper had a family? He got hisself involved in the wrong massacre, at any rate. Bet he was a terrible dad.
An engineer behind me tosses me some more ammo, which is good, because if I wander off to go refill my ammo for even thirty seconds, the enemy AI are probably going to swarm the center of the map...the platform I've been sweeping clear. My team really couldn't survive without me. I probably account for at least a third of the enemy casualties.
"You're on FIRE!" plays one of the AI encouragement lines.
Thanks, pal. You know why? Because you sorry lot couldn't hit the broadside of the Pentagon with an airplane. So I have to pick up the pace to balance out your incompetent...
Yeah, thanks for the shout-out, anyway.
Tatooine: 0530.
Dance for me! DAAAAAANCE!
It's not even a challenge. And the difficulty's supposedly set on 'Elite'? Maybe I've just had this game for too long.
It's the Tuskens vs Jawas, and if you're any fan of Star Wars then you know without a doubt who should win this matchup. Not only are they friggin' nomadic hunters, the Tuskens are just...better. Period.
But nope. Screw logic! Says Battlefront, and the Jawas are winning. It's probably because A. They're smaller and thus harder to hit and B. Their weapons shoot chain lightning that is practically impossible to miss with.
But you know who I went with anyway? The Tuskens. And here I am, charging around doing CQB with a bolt-action beam rifle, because aw yeah, that's how I roll.
Wait, the Jawas are still kicking our butts? Hold on a second...
-Three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later-
HALF OF MY TEAM SCORED NO KILLS AT ALL?
Bollocks.
Tatooine: 0600 hours.
We're back! And this time it's a Heroes vs Villians, in an all-out epic duel of the century!
I choose you, Villians!
All right, here I am, rockin' my Vader, charging these cretins and...oh, I'm dead.
Who killed me? LEAH? You're kidding.
Respawning...yup...gonna kick some AI Princess rear...
WHAT? SPAWN CAMPING IS FOR HUMANS, YOU STUPID COMPUTER!
THAT SABER THROW WAS TOTALLY AIMBOT!
YOU GANGED UP! FIGHT ME LIKE MEN!
YOU HEROES ARE SO OP!
~Defeat~
Hackers.
Kamino: 0500 hours.
Looking down the proverbial scope of my proverbial sniper at the proverbial AI charging up the proverbial ramp in a straight line directly into my proverbial crosshairs, I give a proverbial sigh and wonder if I really don't know what proverbial means, and if I use it too much.
Click!
Click!
Click!
I've been what gamers call 'camping' on a high outpost that, in the Battlefront version of Kamino, creates a landscape I'm fairly certain is similar to that of Omaha Beach in WWII, because the carnage is pretty intense.
Or maybe the AI are just stupid. Yeah. That's probably it, I think. Man, they sure do like that little spot in my scope that equals their head getting blown off...
Whoops! Wonder if that stormtrooper had a family? He got hisself involved in the wrong massacre, at any rate. Bet he was a terrible dad.
An engineer behind me tosses me some more ammo, which is good, because if I wander off to go refill my ammo for even thirty seconds, the enemy AI are probably going to swarm the center of the map...the platform I've been sweeping clear. My team really couldn't survive without me. I probably account for at least a third of the enemy casualties.
"You're on FIRE!" plays one of the AI encouragement lines.
Thanks, pal. You know why? Because you sorry lot couldn't hit the broadside of the Pentagon with an airplane. So I have to pick up the pace to balance out your incompetent...
Yeah, thanks for the shout-out, anyway.
Tatooine: 0530.
Dance for me! DAAAAAANCE!
It's not even a challenge. And the difficulty's supposedly set on 'Elite'? Maybe I've just had this game for too long.
It's the Tuskens vs Jawas, and if you're any fan of Star Wars then you know without a doubt who should win this matchup. Not only are they friggin' nomadic hunters, the Tuskens are just...better. Period.
But nope. Screw logic! Says Battlefront, and the Jawas are winning. It's probably because A. They're smaller and thus harder to hit and B. Their weapons shoot chain lightning that is practically impossible to miss with.
But you know who I went with anyway? The Tuskens. And here I am, charging around doing CQB with a bolt-action beam rifle, because aw yeah, that's how I roll.
Wait, the Jawas are still kicking our butts? Hold on a second...
-Three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later-
HALF OF MY TEAM SCORED NO KILLS AT ALL?
Bollocks.
Tatooine: 0600 hours.
We're back! And this time it's a Heroes vs Villians, in an all-out epic duel of the century!
I choose you, Villians!
All right, here I am, rockin' my Vader, charging these cretins and...oh, I'm dead.
Who killed me? LEAH? You're kidding.
Respawning...yup...gonna kick some AI Princess rear...
WHAT? SPAWN CAMPING IS FOR HUMANS, YOU STUPID COMPUTER!
THAT SABER THROW WAS TOTALLY AIMBOT!
YOU GANGED UP! FIGHT ME LIKE MEN!
YOU HEROES ARE SO OP!
~Defeat~
Hackers.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Computing Tips & Tricks
What?? Something useful? I need to check whether this site is a scam or not!
So I've been using Windows computers for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I'm probably known by all laptops everywhere as 'The Black Hand', simply because almost every computer I touch seems to inevitably catch some virus or bug that costs a lot of time, trouble, and dosh to fix.
But with this notoriety comes some useful application: since these bugs have plagued me, I've had to spend long days on Google search, looking for ways to improve my computer's performance and looking out for viruses.
So here's a couple of tips to make your laptop or computer run faster or stay away from viruses. Disclaimer: These only apply to PC...mostly. So Mac users, sit back and weep, for more Google searching is in order.
1.) Task Manager is your best friend.
Seriously, I can't count the number of problems I've fixed simply by learning how to use this simple application. It's at the simple combination of ctrl-alt-delete, and the solution to countless headaches is there at your fingertips. For instance, say your browser isn't responding. You're trying to end the task, but it just isn't working. So bring up Task Manager, go to the 'process' of your browser (under 'processes' it'll look something like 'iexplorer.exe' or 'chrome.exe' or whatever browser you use), right click on that process and click 'end process'. Maaaaagic.
Not only can it help with ending unresponsive programs, it can also let you know if a process is bogging down your CPU. Sometimes, you might recognize that your computer is running really slowly, slower than usual. Well, this can easily be remedied by ending the process that's using up so much memory: just go to the process tab of Task Manager and see which one is using up the most memory. Then end it. Kaboom.
2.) Run 'disk cleanup' regularly.
'Disk cleanup' is a simple application that gets rid of unnecessary files that clog up your CPU. You can find it by searching the Start Menu quite easily, and it's very straightforward and simple to use. If you're worried that it'll delete a document or game, be at peace: it knows better than that. All in all, it's a simple way to clean off the dust and rust and get your computer running a little better.
3.) Don't download free programs.
Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule. If the free program is by an actual business (like Google), then it's safe to download. Or, if the program is free but has an 'upgrade' or 'pro' version, it's usually safe to download. But if the above two aren't true, and the free whatever-it-is-you're-looking-at sounds too good to be true, chances are it is too good to be true. That's how scams get you; by promising cookies and ice cream, but when you accept the deal, you get dirt cakes and dry ice.
4.) Always have some sort of antivirus program.
These programs are essential to have, which is why all Windows laptops and computers come with a free one (though it's not spectacular). These programs block bad files and are tuned to hunt down malicious software, and trust me, that's something you need in this day and age. Personally, I use 'Microsoft Security Essentials', but I prefer something like 'Norton Antivirus'. If you're a cheap person (because both of those cost money), Windows actually comes with an antivirus program that's fine called 'Windows Defender'.
Make sure you run scans from these programs every once and a while. Viruses sometimes lie dormant, so you don't know they're there until that little jack-in-the-data files pops up and wrecks your computer.
5.) Keep about 1 GB of free space on your computer hard drives.
Yeah, the computer might say it can hold 10 GB of information, but guess what? As soon as it maxes out, it gets really sloooooooooow. So keep some free space so that the normal everyday processing junk has a place to go, and make sure you run that 'disk cleanup' application daily.
If you need to, buy a removable hard drive - those little USB things that can hold documents and games and stuff. You can get big ones, too - up to terabytes of information. The point is you don't need to keep everything on one computer; and in fact, it's not a very good idea to. You should have backups of your documents and such on a removable hard drive, so in case your computer crashes, you still have all your information.
I realize this is all a bit tech-speaky, and if you're one of those people who just knows how to play Minecraft and type documents, well, this obviously isn't for you. Looks like Google's your best friend now.
Oh yeah!
6.) GOOGLE IS YOUR BESTEST FRIEND!
You can find everything on Google. No kidding. I learned about 90% of the above information just surfing the web. So if you run up against a problem, don't spend hundreds of dollars when you can spend half an hour surfing the web and fix it!
That's all for now, folks.
So I've been using Windows computers for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I'm probably known by all laptops everywhere as 'The Black Hand', simply because almost every computer I touch seems to inevitably catch some virus or bug that costs a lot of time, trouble, and dosh to fix.
But with this notoriety comes some useful application: since these bugs have plagued me, I've had to spend long days on Google search, looking for ways to improve my computer's performance and looking out for viruses.
So here's a couple of tips to make your laptop or computer run faster or stay away from viruses. Disclaimer: These only apply to PC...mostly. So Mac users, sit back and weep, for more Google searching is in order.
1.) Task Manager is your best friend.
Seriously, I can't count the number of problems I've fixed simply by learning how to use this simple application. It's at the simple combination of ctrl-alt-delete, and the solution to countless headaches is there at your fingertips. For instance, say your browser isn't responding. You're trying to end the task, but it just isn't working. So bring up Task Manager, go to the 'process' of your browser (under 'processes' it'll look something like 'iexplorer.exe' or 'chrome.exe' or whatever browser you use), right click on that process and click 'end process'. Maaaaagic.
Not only can it help with ending unresponsive programs, it can also let you know if a process is bogging down your CPU. Sometimes, you might recognize that your computer is running really slowly, slower than usual. Well, this can easily be remedied by ending the process that's using up so much memory: just go to the process tab of Task Manager and see which one is using up the most memory. Then end it. Kaboom.
2.) Run 'disk cleanup' regularly.
'Disk cleanup' is a simple application that gets rid of unnecessary files that clog up your CPU. You can find it by searching the Start Menu quite easily, and it's very straightforward and simple to use. If you're worried that it'll delete a document or game, be at peace: it knows better than that. All in all, it's a simple way to clean off the dust and rust and get your computer running a little better.
3.) Don't download free programs.
Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule. If the free program is by an actual business (like Google), then it's safe to download. Or, if the program is free but has an 'upgrade' or 'pro' version, it's usually safe to download. But if the above two aren't true, and the free whatever-it-is-you're-looking-at sounds too good to be true, chances are it is too good to be true. That's how scams get you; by promising cookies and ice cream, but when you accept the deal, you get dirt cakes and dry ice.
4.) Always have some sort of antivirus program.
These programs are essential to have, which is why all Windows laptops and computers come with a free one (though it's not spectacular). These programs block bad files and are tuned to hunt down malicious software, and trust me, that's something you need in this day and age. Personally, I use 'Microsoft Security Essentials', but I prefer something like 'Norton Antivirus'. If you're a cheap person (because both of those cost money), Windows actually comes with an antivirus program that's fine called 'Windows Defender'.
Make sure you run scans from these programs every once and a while. Viruses sometimes lie dormant, so you don't know they're there until that little jack-in-the-data files pops up and wrecks your computer.
5.) Keep about 1 GB of free space on your computer hard drives.
Yeah, the computer might say it can hold 10 GB of information, but guess what? As soon as it maxes out, it gets really sloooooooooow. So keep some free space so that the normal everyday processing junk has a place to go, and make sure you run that 'disk cleanup' application daily.
If you need to, buy a removable hard drive - those little USB things that can hold documents and games and stuff. You can get big ones, too - up to terabytes of information. The point is you don't need to keep everything on one computer; and in fact, it's not a very good idea to. You should have backups of your documents and such on a removable hard drive, so in case your computer crashes, you still have all your information.
I realize this is all a bit tech-speaky, and if you're one of those people who just knows how to play Minecraft and type documents, well, this obviously isn't for you. Looks like Google's your best friend now.
Oh yeah!
6.) GOOGLE IS YOUR BESTEST FRIEND!
You can find everything on Google. No kidding. I learned about 90% of the above information just surfing the web. So if you run up against a problem, don't spend hundreds of dollars when you can spend half an hour surfing the web and fix it!
That's all for now, folks.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
The Lego Movie: Review
So guys.
I live in a home where, when something highly anticipated comes out in the theaters, we don't rush to see it. We wait until it comes out on Redbox. Or even until it's in the library. I have literally never been to a midnight viewing of any movie for its debut. Ever. And to be honest, I don't relish the idea.
So. That being said, you now know why this review is coming out so long after the actual movie.
I literally watched this movie about a week or two ago. That's how long it took for me to finally get my hands on it.
SPOILER ALERT!
So we start out with Vitruvius, a wizard voiced by AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA MORGAN FREEMAN?!
How much did they pay you to be in this movie?
*looks at cast*
Oh wait, they have a ton of famous actors in this movie.
Moving on.
So Vitruvius is trying to protect a 'superweapon' called the 'Kragle'. But then eeeevil Darth Business...I mean Lord Business, shows up and steals it. Vitruvius quotes a prophecy where some Special thingamadude will show up with the Piece of Resistance and render the Kragle useless.
Switch to Emmet, our protagonist. He's a normal guy, working a normal job, with a completely normal personality.
Wait, no, he's not. He's an annoying chatterbox who somehow got a job in construction, and his personality consists of ADHD mixed with desperation because he has no friends.
Uh...let's stop there. If I tried to describe the plot of this movie I'd get tied down way too fast in details.
END SPOILERS...already
Not that the plot's bad. It's fairly well put together...in context, of course.
You see, the Lego movie makes fun of many film-writing clichés. You can tell. It's obvious. If it isn't, then I think you should go watch Green Lantern or something and get an idea of what I mean by cliché.
The animation was interesting. I expected something more like actual CG animated Legos, like the Lego Star Wars games or somesuch. Instead, they just animated the faces and the rest was natural Lego movement. After I got used to it, I thought it was pretty inventive.
Music wasn't much to speak of. I say that because nothing stood out to me. And what did, I didn't particularly enjoy. You know what I mean.
Everything is awful...everything is bad...
Dialogue was good. A lot of the movie was just plain humor, but when they actually came to meaningful moments...well, they certainly didn't do bad.
Characters were, well, characters. I can't really laud their development. Emmet's, maybe. He goes from being a nobody to a pretty important guy, and handles it fairly well. The rest of the characters I felt were just there for backdrop. Sure, they were there. They just weren't...outstanding.
Overall, would I recommend it? Sure. It catered itself well to all ages. The message at the end was actually well delivered. The humor was funny. I enjoyed it.
If you want to see something like this, I don't recommend going to the theater. I wouldn't say you're dimwitted and wasteful for doing so - I just feel like this is better rented or borrowed from the library. It's no Avengers. But it's good.
I live in a home where, when something highly anticipated comes out in the theaters, we don't rush to see it. We wait until it comes out on Redbox. Or even until it's in the library. I have literally never been to a midnight viewing of any movie for its debut. Ever. And to be honest, I don't relish the idea.
So. That being said, you now know why this review is coming out so long after the actual movie.
I literally watched this movie about a week or two ago. That's how long it took for me to finally get my hands on it.
SPOILER ALERT!
So we start out with Vitruvius, a wizard voiced by AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA MORGAN FREEMAN?!
How much did they pay you to be in this movie?
*looks at cast*
Oh wait, they have a ton of famous actors in this movie.
Moving on.
So Vitruvius is trying to protect a 'superweapon' called the 'Kragle'. But then eeeevil Darth Business...I mean Lord Business, shows up and steals it. Vitruvius quotes a prophecy where some Special thingamadude will show up with the Piece of Resistance and render the Kragle useless.
Switch to Emmet, our protagonist. He's a normal guy, working a normal job, with a completely normal personality.
Wait, no, he's not. He's an annoying chatterbox who somehow got a job in construction, and his personality consists of ADHD mixed with desperation because he has no friends.
Uh...let's stop there. If I tried to describe the plot of this movie I'd get tied down way too fast in details.
END SPOILERS...already
Not that the plot's bad. It's fairly well put together...in context, of course.
You see, the Lego movie makes fun of many film-writing clichés. You can tell. It's obvious. If it isn't, then I think you should go watch Green Lantern or something and get an idea of what I mean by cliché.
The animation was interesting. I expected something more like actual CG animated Legos, like the Lego Star Wars games or somesuch. Instead, they just animated the faces and the rest was natural Lego movement. After I got used to it, I thought it was pretty inventive.
Music wasn't much to speak of. I say that because nothing stood out to me. And what did, I didn't particularly enjoy. You know what I mean.
Everything is awful...everything is bad...
Dialogue was good. A lot of the movie was just plain humor, but when they actually came to meaningful moments...well, they certainly didn't do bad.
Characters were, well, characters. I can't really laud their development. Emmet's, maybe. He goes from being a nobody to a pretty important guy, and handles it fairly well. The rest of the characters I felt were just there for backdrop. Sure, they were there. They just weren't...outstanding.
Overall, would I recommend it? Sure. It catered itself well to all ages. The message at the end was actually well delivered. The humor was funny. I enjoyed it.
If you want to see something like this, I don't recommend going to the theater. I wouldn't say you're dimwitted and wasteful for doing so - I just feel like this is better rented or borrowed from the library. It's no Avengers. But it's good.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Make Me a Sandwich?
Cooking.
Lots of people do it.
You know who does it most?
Girls.
Why?
Because most guys can't.
I'm not quite sure who I'm talking to here. Guys? Girls? Whatever. I think I'll just say what I'm going to say.
So for some reason, the role of housewife has been largely degraded in society today. That is to say, there's a lot of 'women in the kitchen' jokes and 'make me a sandwich' jokes and so on. And I admit, I'm not innocent of these myself.
But let me dispel this belief that this position is overrated. You who ridicule, mock, or joke about women, how "they should be in the kitchen" and yadda yadda, let me tell you this.
You're right.
Women should be in the kitchen.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T COOK FOR *insert appropriate term here*.
Don't you dare believe cooking is for women because it's a menial task for waifus who have nothing to do. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU MOTHER SEAL, COOKING IS AN ART.
You hear?
AN ART.
I have a mom. I know.
So, girls.
When guys joke about you being in the kitchen, or they joke about your cooking, or whatever, I can guarantee you the jokers can't cook worth a penny. (This includes yours truly.) Please, don't think cooking is some underrated task. Tis an ability that is invaluable. If no one could cook, we'd be stuck burning squirrels over a campfire or something. Cooking is awesome, end of story.
Hey guys:
Joking about cooking is fine and all, but just remember that when you get married, your wife pretty much controls what you eat. So you'd better hope she knows her thing (and you better respect that), because if not it's Ramen for breakfast, Ramen for lunch, and leftover Ramen for dinner. Yaaaay.
One last note. Cooking is mostly for girls, yes, but that doesn't mean guys shouldn't learn a thing or two either. In fact, I envy the guy who can cook along with his role as a guy. There ain't anything in the Bible that says cooking is a sin for men.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have salads to burn.
Lots of people do it.
You know who does it most?
Girls.
Why?
Because most guys can't.
I'm not quite sure who I'm talking to here. Guys? Girls? Whatever. I think I'll just say what I'm going to say.
So for some reason, the role of housewife has been largely degraded in society today. That is to say, there's a lot of 'women in the kitchen' jokes and 'make me a sandwich' jokes and so on. And I admit, I'm not innocent of these myself.
But let me dispel this belief that this position is overrated. You who ridicule, mock, or joke about women, how "they should be in the kitchen" and yadda yadda, let me tell you this.
You're right.
Women should be in the kitchen.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T COOK FOR *insert appropriate term here*.
Don't you dare believe cooking is for women because it's a menial task for waifus who have nothing to do. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU MOTHER SEAL, COOKING IS AN ART.
You hear?
AN ART.
I have a mom. I know.
So, girls.
When guys joke about you being in the kitchen, or they joke about your cooking, or whatever, I can guarantee you the jokers can't cook worth a penny. (This includes yours truly.) Please, don't think cooking is some underrated task. Tis an ability that is invaluable. If no one could cook, we'd be stuck burning squirrels over a campfire or something. Cooking is awesome, end of story.
Hey guys:
Joking about cooking is fine and all, but just remember that when you get married, your wife pretty much controls what you eat. So you'd better hope she knows her thing (and you better respect that), because if not it's Ramen for breakfast, Ramen for lunch, and leftover Ramen for dinner. Yaaaay.
One last note. Cooking is mostly for girls, yes, but that doesn't mean guys shouldn't learn a thing or two either. In fact, I envy the guy who can cook along with his role as a guy. There ain't anything in the Bible that says cooking is a sin for men.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have salads to burn.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
The good ol' days...
...when people were intelligent.
I didn't exaggerate. IQ is not a good way to measure intelligence, so before you start shouting the Flynn effect at me, I shall elaborate.
Contemporary vs Antiquitous
Music has taken a huge step backwards in the past couple decades. Where our songs used to be about religion, philosophy, love, hate, fear, joy...they're still about those. Just less connected. The lyrics are dumbed down like you wouldn't believe. But do people notice? Not much. Our brains are just paying attention to whether or not the words and music sound good together.
For example, here's the alleged number 1 song of 2014 - Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off":
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
That's what people say
I go on too many dates
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say
That's what people say
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off
I never miss a beat
I'm lighting up my feet
And that's what they don't see
That's what they don't see
I'm dancing on my own
I make the moves as I go
And that's what they don't know
That's what they don't know
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off
Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you been getting down and out about the liars
And the dirty dirty cheats of the world
You could have been getting down to this sick beat
Yeah, Taylor. That was a pretty sick beat, and I mean sick as it means in Standard English - that is, terrible, diseased, and awful.
You know what was second on the top list? Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". I took a hit for you guys and actually glanced at the lyrics.
DO NOT EVER LOOK UP THAT SONG. IF YOU VALUE YOUR PURITY.
Movies. Stupid.
It's not even funny, guys. The amount of films coming out that have the same formula, the same disregard for quality, is unbelievable. I'm not saying there aren't any good ones. I'm saying the bad is far out-counting the good. The movies don't care if you have an IQ of over 20. They're presupposing most of the people watching are just there to escape reality and get a thrill - and you know what? Good for them. They're doing just fine. Because it's working.
Books. Cue the three-tone fail track.
Most of the plots we have on paper aren't half bad. In fact, a lot of them are pretty good. I find most of my solace in the pages of well-written books.
Unfortunately, the material is plummeting in quality. I walk through the Young Adult section at a library, and you know what I see? Sex. Horror. Sex. Godlessness. Sex. I could name a ton of popular books that fail dramatically in these areas.
News.
Do I need to go into this one? The latest shooting. The newest disaster. Death, destruction, disease, corruption, lies, yaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, and Miss America changed her hairstyle. This is world-changing news, peeps.
But in the end, there's one factor that causes all of this, and that's people. I rant at what trash media is producing, but really, it's the people behind the media who are the problems. People lie, cheat, steal, are immoral, profane, shallow. Am I better? But for the grace of God, I would be all of those things too. And I still fight all of it.
Guys, we need a new disease. We need some actual zombie outbreak. I mean, people are almost already practically zombies, but there's laws against killing them. What is this world coming to?
I didn't exaggerate. IQ is not a good way to measure intelligence, so before you start shouting the Flynn effect at me, I shall elaborate.
Contemporary vs Antiquitous
Music has taken a huge step backwards in the past couple decades. Where our songs used to be about religion, philosophy, love, hate, fear, joy...they're still about those. Just less connected. The lyrics are dumbed down like you wouldn't believe. But do people notice? Not much. Our brains are just paying attention to whether or not the words and music sound good together.
For example, here's the alleged number 1 song of 2014 - Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off":
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
That's what people say
I go on too many dates
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say
That's what people say
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off
I never miss a beat
I'm lighting up my feet
And that's what they don't see
That's what they don't see
I'm dancing on my own
I make the moves as I go
And that's what they don't know
That's what they don't know
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off
Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you been getting down and out about the liars
And the dirty dirty cheats of the world
You could have been getting down to this sick beat
Yeah, Taylor. That was a pretty sick beat, and I mean sick as it means in Standard English - that is, terrible, diseased, and awful.
You know what was second on the top list? Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". I took a hit for you guys and actually glanced at the lyrics.
DO NOT EVER LOOK UP THAT SONG. IF YOU VALUE YOUR PURITY.
Movies. Stupid.
It's not even funny, guys. The amount of films coming out that have the same formula, the same disregard for quality, is unbelievable. I'm not saying there aren't any good ones. I'm saying the bad is far out-counting the good. The movies don't care if you have an IQ of over 20. They're presupposing most of the people watching are just there to escape reality and get a thrill - and you know what? Good for them. They're doing just fine. Because it's working.
Books. Cue the three-tone fail track.
Most of the plots we have on paper aren't half bad. In fact, a lot of them are pretty good. I find most of my solace in the pages of well-written books.
Unfortunately, the material is plummeting in quality. I walk through the Young Adult section at a library, and you know what I see? Sex. Horror. Sex. Godlessness. Sex. I could name a ton of popular books that fail dramatically in these areas.
News.
Do I need to go into this one? The latest shooting. The newest disaster. Death, destruction, disease, corruption, lies, yaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, and Miss America changed her hairstyle. This is world-changing news, peeps.
But in the end, there's one factor that causes all of this, and that's people. I rant at what trash media is producing, but really, it's the people behind the media who are the problems. People lie, cheat, steal, are immoral, profane, shallow. Am I better? But for the grace of God, I would be all of those things too. And I still fight all of it.
Guys, we need a new disease. We need some actual zombie outbreak. I mean, people are almost already practically zombies, but there's laws against killing them. What is this world coming to?
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Kung Fu Hustle: Review
What the actual cheese.
Cheese. Is it cheesy? I don't know.
Can something be so cliched that it's not? Uh...can you tell me? I'm sorry, this movie left me suffering from PTSD, or some form of it. I have no idea what to think.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT...?
Kung Fu Hustle. What is it?
That's a very good question. And...I don't exactly know how to answer it. It's a movie...with a lot of kung fu fighting? *cue song*
Seriously people, this movie doesn't have much of a plot of anything. Or any practicality whatsoever. It's like it said 'Logic? Screw that, it's so last century, man.' In many ways, it reminds me of how Emperor's New Groove didn't take anything seriously. Those of you who've watched that movie know exactly what I'm talking about.
But I suppose I should tell you about...what goes on. We start out with a police office. Sounds of a guy getting his bottom roundly kicked are sounding as we pan throughout the building. Finally, we discover that it's a cop being beat up by a gang leader for imprisoning his wife. The gang walks out the door and immediately gets surrounded by another gang, except this gang is a lot bigger. Like, a loooot bigger. They're called the 'Ax Gang'. For good reason - every single one of them carries an ax. But they also use tommy guns. They wipe out the other gang with extreme prejudice.
Then, after a little exposition text, we switch to a poor district of whatever city this movie takes place. The landlord is a total haha...
hahaha....
HAHAHAHAHA
Sorry. I...this...can't explain this movie.
Brownie points to whoever directed this piece of...I don't know. Brilliance? Stupidity? Laziness? Awesomeness? What the...?
Let's see if I can give you an example of the weirdness of this movie.
The landlord of the main complex is a total wimp who gets beat up by his wife all the time. He's made out of something indestructible, though, 'cause he survives a three-story drop face-first onto concrete. But he and his wife are both jerks. When they get attacked by the ax gang three of the building's tenants turn out to be long-lost masters of kung fu. But they get killed by assassins who use a lute that fires bladed weapons when strummed. But those assassins get killed by the landlord and lady, who turn out to also be masters of kung fu. The landlady is a master of the 'Roaring Lion' style, which means she can scream so loud she can crack building structure. The landlord is master of what I will call the 'Whispering Wind' style, which is actually probably the most viable martial arts style in this whole friggin' movie. There's also this guy who knows flash-step kung fu called The Beast who defeats the landlord and lady but in return is defeated by the main character who learns this weird Force technique called the Buddha Palm or somesuch. Use the force, Chu.
If, by now, you're staring at this block of text like 'Whaaaa' then congratulations. You know how I feel.
END SPOILERS
All the stunts in this movie - and I mean all of them - are completely unrealistic. So is the fighting. So are the characters. Things happen and there's no explanation. It's just pure, mindless, fake entertainment.
So...I don't know how to rate this. Bad, because of its outright outrageously unbelievable makeup? Or good, because maybe that's what the director was trying to accomplish? Or mediocre perhaps, since it really only made me laugh in confusion/astonishment/arghpaarghaledfldsffhaoid?
I don't HEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAAHA
HAHAEHEHEKNOWHAHAHEEHEH
WAHTEHACTUELHEEEEEHEHEHEHEEEH
Excuse me while I call a mental hospital.
Cheese. Is it cheesy? I don't know.
Can something be so cliched that it's not? Uh...can you tell me? I'm sorry, this movie left me suffering from PTSD, or some form of it. I have no idea what to think.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT...?
Kung Fu Hustle. What is it?
That's a very good question. And...I don't exactly know how to answer it. It's a movie...with a lot of kung fu fighting? *cue song*
Seriously people, this movie doesn't have much of a plot of anything. Or any practicality whatsoever. It's like it said 'Logic? Screw that, it's so last century, man.' In many ways, it reminds me of how Emperor's New Groove didn't take anything seriously. Those of you who've watched that movie know exactly what I'm talking about.
But I suppose I should tell you about...what goes on. We start out with a police office. Sounds of a guy getting his bottom roundly kicked are sounding as we pan throughout the building. Finally, we discover that it's a cop being beat up by a gang leader for imprisoning his wife. The gang walks out the door and immediately gets surrounded by another gang, except this gang is a lot bigger. Like, a loooot bigger. They're called the 'Ax Gang'. For good reason - every single one of them carries an ax. But they also use tommy guns. They wipe out the other gang with extreme prejudice.
Then, after a little exposition text, we switch to a poor district of whatever city this movie takes place. The landlord is a total haha...
hahaha....
HAHAHAHAHA
Sorry. I...this...can't explain this movie.
Brownie points to whoever directed this piece of...I don't know. Brilliance? Stupidity? Laziness? Awesomeness? What the...?
Let's see if I can give you an example of the weirdness of this movie.
The landlord of the main complex is a total wimp who gets beat up by his wife all the time. He's made out of something indestructible, though, 'cause he survives a three-story drop face-first onto concrete. But he and his wife are both jerks. When they get attacked by the ax gang three of the building's tenants turn out to be long-lost masters of kung fu. But they get killed by assassins who use a lute that fires bladed weapons when strummed. But those assassins get killed by the landlord and lady, who turn out to also be masters of kung fu. The landlady is a master of the 'Roaring Lion' style, which means she can scream so loud she can crack building structure. The landlord is master of what I will call the 'Whispering Wind' style, which is actually probably the most viable martial arts style in this whole friggin' movie. There's also this guy who knows flash-step kung fu called The Beast who defeats the landlord and lady but in return is defeated by the main character who learns this weird Force technique called the Buddha Palm or somesuch. Use the force, Chu.
If, by now, you're staring at this block of text like 'Whaaaa' then congratulations. You know how I feel.
END SPOILERS
All the stunts in this movie - and I mean all of them - are completely unrealistic. So is the fighting. So are the characters. Things happen and there's no explanation. It's just pure, mindless, fake entertainment.
So...I don't know how to rate this. Bad, because of its outright outrageously unbelievable makeup? Or good, because maybe that's what the director was trying to accomplish? Or mediocre perhaps, since it really only made me laugh in confusion/astonishment/arghpaarghaledfldsffhaoid?
I don't HEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAAHA
HAHAEHEHEKNOWHAHAHEEHEH
WAHTEHACTUELHEEEEEHEHEHEHEEEH
Excuse me while I call a mental hospital.
Monday, May 26, 2014
An In-Depth Study: The Game
Cannot be seen,
Cannot be felt,
Cannot be touched, heard, or smelt
Cannot be won,
Cannot be fun.
What am I?
THE GAME.
For many long years (in reality about twelve), 'The Game' has been a subject baffling the best of philosophers (cause it's stupid). Everyone's playing it, but no one ever wins it - and its curse only lifts after death (stupid, I say).
Excuse me a second, Reaper seems to have a (talent) problem with inserting (clarifications) unhelpful parenthetical (facts) INTERRUPTIONS. Shutcha ghostly mouth.
As I was saying, the game has been a mystery for quite a while. I first learned of it a couple years after joining Boy Scouts, where I was introduced to the most mood-killing device of all time - yes, The Game.
What are the rules to the game?
1. Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: "Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game", or alternatively, "You are always playing The Game.") A person cannot not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and one can never stop playing.
2. Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person (either by using a statement such as "I lost The Game" or by alternative means). After a player has announced a loss, some variants allow for a grace period between three seconds to thirty minutes to forget about the game, during which the player cannot lose the game again.
The origins of The Game are uncertain. One theory is that when two men missed their last train and had to spend the whole night on a platform, they tried not to think about their situation and whoever did first, lost. Another is that it was invented in London in 1996 "to annoy people". The reported earliest known reference on the Internet is from 2002.
The Game is an example of ironic processing (also known as the "White Bear Principle"), in which attempts to avoid certain thoughts make those thoughts more persistent.
Cannot be felt,
Cannot be touched, heard, or smelt
Cannot be won,
Cannot be fun.
What am I?
THE GAME.
For many long years (in reality about twelve), 'The Game' has been a subject baffling the best of philosophers (cause it's stupid). Everyone's playing it, but no one ever wins it - and its curse only lifts after death (stupid, I say).
Excuse me a second, Reaper seems to have a (talent) problem with inserting (clarifications) unhelpful parenthetical (facts) INTERRUPTIONS. Shutcha ghostly mouth.
As I was saying, the game has been a mystery for quite a while. I first learned of it a couple years after joining Boy Scouts, where I was introduced to the most mood-killing device of all time - yes, The Game.
What are the rules to the game?
1. Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: "Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game", or alternatively, "You are always playing The Game.") A person cannot not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and one can never stop playing.
2. Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person (either by using a statement such as "I lost The Game" or by alternative means). After a player has announced a loss, some variants allow for a grace period between three seconds to thirty minutes to forget about the game, during which the player cannot lose the game again.
A method of finishing 'The Game' is that whenever the President of the US, the Pope, or the Prime Minister of the UK says 'The Game Is Up', The Game automatically terminates and you are free. But this method also detracts from the torture of having to play the game for all your life, so it is commonly discredited.
The origins of The Game are uncertain. One theory is that when two men missed their last train and had to spend the whole night on a platform, they tried not to think about their situation and whoever did first, lost. Another is that it was invented in London in 1996 "to annoy people". The reported earliest known reference on the Internet is from 2002.
Welcome to The Game. Now, my well-informed reader, begin a long life of torture and failure. Why? Because, ladies and gentlemen, I lost The Game.
(the stupid one)
Sharrap.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Day 2
MAY 26:
5:00 a.m.: Fall out of bed.
5:01 a.m.: Crawl over to alarm clock and turn it off.
5:05 a.m.: Get dressed.
5:10 a.m.: Climb into hunting stand.
5:10:05 a.m.: Forgot gun.
5:15 a.m.: Take shot of antifreeze.
5:20 a.m.: Take potshot at annoying squirrel who decided to get up early.
5:20:01 a.m.: Gun barrel shatters - misfire.
5:25 a.m.: Angrily set dynamite traps. Go back inside.
5:30 a.m.: Not sleepy. Turn on the telly.
5:35 a.m.: Wife stumbles downstairs and demolishes television, then heads back upstairs to get some more sleep.
5:40 a.m.: Dynamite traps go off.
5:43 a.m.: Definitely killed something. Can't tell what it is.
5:50 a.m.: Shovel dirt into holes in lawn caused by dynamite.
6:30 a.m.: Annoying squirrel apparently wasn't the one who set off the trap. Bummer.
7:00 a.m.: Toast bread is moldy. Coffee is gone. Wife is mad. Day is off to a horrible start.
7:01:01 a.m.: You don't say.
8:00 a.m.: After makeshift breakfast of ramen and milk, head off to store to buy new telly.
9:00 a.m.: Find out ramen wasn't supposed to taste like cherries.
9:00:05 a.m.: Vomit breakfast over dashboard.
9:15 a.m.: Head home.
10:00 a.m.: Favorite football team loses game. Have choice words with new telly.
11:00 a.m.: Wife gets up, says she won't make you a sandwich.
12:00 p.m.: Contemplate setting dynamite trap for wife.
12:01 p.m.: Dismiss idea. Wife would probably scare dynamite.
1:00 p.m.: Favorite baseball team loses game. Demolish new telly in fit of rage.
2:00 p.m.: Arrive home from store with new telly.
2:05 p.m.: Decide not to watch any more telly today.
3:00 p.m.: Mow lawn.
3:05 p.m.: While on mower, discover active land mine.
3:10 p.m.: Rushed to hospital.
4:00 p.m.: The good news is, the shrapnel was all extracted. The bad news is, you have cancer.
4:05 p.m.: The good news is, the hospital has a telly. The bad news is, you just demolished it because it looked at you funny.
6:00 p.m.: After numerous prescriptions, appointments, and remunerations for broken hospital property, head home.
6:30 p.m.: Wife has finally made sandwich. Perhaps life isn't that bad after all.
6:30:05 p.m.: Actually it is, because it was made with the moldy bread.
6:45 p.m.: Stumble to couch in pain. Contemplate the meaning of life.
7:00 p.m.: Have animated debate with telly. The stupid thing is looking at you funny again.
7:01 p.m.: Too tired to demolish telly. Settle for turning it on and off multiple times, mumbling "That'll teach you to give me the cold shoulder, you useless hunk of junk."
7:05 p.m.: Telly replies "You're having a bad day. Shut up and go to bed."
7:05:05 p.m.: Throw controller at telly and run upstairs like a scared (and furious) rabbit.
8:00 p.m.: Log on to internet.
8:30 p.m.: Lose all hope in humanity. Log off internet.
9:00 p.m.: Contemplate suicide.
9:01 p.m.: Remember that gun is already busted. Blast.
9:05 p.m.: Remember you still have a stick of dynamite left.
9:10 p.m.: Light the fuse.
9:10:10 p.m.: It's a dud.
9:11 p.m.: Scream in rage and dash into kitchen frantically.
9:11:05 p.m.: Grab kitchen knife and slit throat.
9:12 p.m.: Wrong throat - at least she'll be with you in the afterlife!
9:13 p.m.: Join wife on floor, bleeding out.
9:15 p.m.: See white light - everything fades.
______________________________________________________________________________
5:25 a.m.: Wake up. Look around.
5:30 a.m.: Realize you're still in your hunting stand.
5:31 a.m.: Gun is still busted.
5:35 a.m.: Bird poops on your face.
5:40 a.m.: Aim and fire.
5:40:05 a.m.: Gun is broken, idiot.
5:45 a.m.: Crawl back in bed. Something's missing.
5:46 a.m.: Ah, right. Wife isn't there.
5:50 a.m.: Find wife on kitchen floor.
5:51 a.m.: Am I in heaven?
5:51:05 a.m.: Blink. Wife isn't there anymore.
5:52 a.m.: You're not married, idiot. Go back to bed.
6:00 a.m.: Collapse in bed.
6:01 a.m.: Remember it's actually Sunday, not Saturday.
6:01:05 a.m.: ...
...
...
Snap.
5:00 a.m.: Fall out of bed.
5:01 a.m.: Crawl over to alarm clock and turn it off.
5:05 a.m.: Get dressed.
5:10 a.m.: Climb into hunting stand.
5:10:05 a.m.: Forgot gun.
5:15 a.m.: Take shot of antifreeze.
5:20 a.m.: Take potshot at annoying squirrel who decided to get up early.
5:20:01 a.m.: Gun barrel shatters - misfire.
5:25 a.m.: Angrily set dynamite traps. Go back inside.
5:30 a.m.: Not sleepy. Turn on the telly.
5:35 a.m.: Wife stumbles downstairs and demolishes television, then heads back upstairs to get some more sleep.
5:40 a.m.: Dynamite traps go off.
5:43 a.m.: Definitely killed something. Can't tell what it is.
5:50 a.m.: Shovel dirt into holes in lawn caused by dynamite.
6:30 a.m.: Annoying squirrel apparently wasn't the one who set off the trap. Bummer.
7:00 a.m.: Toast bread is moldy. Coffee is gone. Wife is mad. Day is off to a horrible start.
7:01:01 a.m.: You don't say.
8:00 a.m.: After makeshift breakfast of ramen and milk, head off to store to buy new telly.
9:00 a.m.: Find out ramen wasn't supposed to taste like cherries.
9:00:05 a.m.: Vomit breakfast over dashboard.
9:15 a.m.: Head home.
10:00 a.m.: Favorite football team loses game. Have choice words with new telly.
11:00 a.m.: Wife gets up, says she won't make you a sandwich.
12:00 p.m.: Contemplate setting dynamite trap for wife.
12:01 p.m.: Dismiss idea. Wife would probably scare dynamite.
1:00 p.m.: Favorite baseball team loses game. Demolish new telly in fit of rage.
2:00 p.m.: Arrive home from store with new telly.
2:05 p.m.: Decide not to watch any more telly today.
3:00 p.m.: Mow lawn.
3:05 p.m.: While on mower, discover active land mine.
3:10 p.m.: Rushed to hospital.
4:00 p.m.: The good news is, the shrapnel was all extracted. The bad news is, you have cancer.
4:05 p.m.: The good news is, the hospital has a telly. The bad news is, you just demolished it because it looked at you funny.
6:00 p.m.: After numerous prescriptions, appointments, and remunerations for broken hospital property, head home.
6:30 p.m.: Wife has finally made sandwich. Perhaps life isn't that bad after all.
6:30:05 p.m.: Actually it is, because it was made with the moldy bread.
6:45 p.m.: Stumble to couch in pain. Contemplate the meaning of life.
7:00 p.m.: Have animated debate with telly. The stupid thing is looking at you funny again.
7:01 p.m.: Too tired to demolish telly. Settle for turning it on and off multiple times, mumbling "That'll teach you to give me the cold shoulder, you useless hunk of junk."
7:05 p.m.: Telly replies "You're having a bad day. Shut up and go to bed."
7:05:05 p.m.: Throw controller at telly and run upstairs like a scared (and furious) rabbit.
8:00 p.m.: Log on to internet.
8:30 p.m.: Lose all hope in humanity. Log off internet.
9:00 p.m.: Contemplate suicide.
9:01 p.m.: Remember that gun is already busted. Blast.
9:05 p.m.: Remember you still have a stick of dynamite left.
9:10 p.m.: Light the fuse.
9:10:10 p.m.: It's a dud.
9:11 p.m.: Scream in rage and dash into kitchen frantically.
9:11:05 p.m.: Grab kitchen knife and slit throat.
9:12 p.m.: Wrong throat - at least she'll be with you in the afterlife!
9:13 p.m.: Join wife on floor, bleeding out.
9:15 p.m.: See white light - everything fades.
______________________________________________________________________________
5:25 a.m.: Wake up. Look around.
5:30 a.m.: Realize you're still in your hunting stand.
5:31 a.m.: Gun is still busted.
5:35 a.m.: Bird poops on your face.
5:40 a.m.: Aim and fire.
5:40:05 a.m.: Gun is broken, idiot.
5:45 a.m.: Crawl back in bed. Something's missing.
5:46 a.m.: Ah, right. Wife isn't there.
5:50 a.m.: Find wife on kitchen floor.
5:51 a.m.: Am I in heaven?
5:51:05 a.m.: Blink. Wife isn't there anymore.
5:52 a.m.: You're not married, idiot. Go back to bed.
6:00 a.m.: Collapse in bed.
6:01 a.m.: Remember it's actually Sunday, not Saturday.
6:01:05 a.m.: ...
...
...
Snap.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Day 1
MARCH 23:
7:00 a.m.: Alarm rings.
7:00:05 a.m.: Reach over and fumble for snooze button.
7:05 a.m.: Alarm rings.
7:05:05 a.m.: Smash alarm clock into four pieces and bury them in the corners of the earth.
7:30 a.m.: Realize you're still in bed.
8:00 a.m.: Get out of bed.
8:05 a.m.: Do devotions.
8:30 a.m.: Decide to exercise tomorrow.
8:45 a.m.: Eat breakfast.
9:00 a.m.: Decide how much time to waste today.
9:15 a.m.: Find out laptop has virus.
9:15:05 a.m.: Smash fist into laptop screen.
9:17 a.m.: Bandage bleeding knuckles and hook up monitor to laptop.
9:20 a.m.: Start school.
11:00 a.m.: Get off Facebook.
11:05 a.m.: Start school.
12:00 p.m.: Get off Facebook. Eat lunch.
12:30 p.m.: Finish lunch. Go to store.
2:00 p.m.: Come back from store.
2:05 p.m.: Plug in new alarm clock.
2:30 p.m.: Start school.
3:00 p.m.: Curse social media for its nonproductivity and swear never to use it again. Start school.
4:00 p.m.: Get off Facebook. Perform exorcism on laptop.
4:30 p.m.: Meteor demolishes satellite dish. Start school.
5:00 p.m.: Eat dinner.
6:00 p.m.: Family devotions.
8:00 p.m.: Finish school.
8:30 p.m.: Grounded for smashing laptop screen.
8:31 p.m.: Go outside. Since fist is already hurt, yell insults at dog.
8:35 p.m.: Dog starts yelling insults back at you.
8:35:30 p.m.: Decide you've been on Facebook too much today.
8:36 p.m.: Remember you have term paper due tomorrow.
10:00 p.m.: Finish term paper. Stumble to bed and collapse.
10:01 p.m.: Forgot to brush teeth.
10:01:05 p.m.: Screw it.
10:02 p.m.: Lie in bed and contemplate the meaning of life.
11:00 p.m.: Can't fall asleep.
11:01 p.m.: Get up and brush teeth.
11:05 p.m.: Fall asleep.
8:00 a.m.: Wake up.
8:00:30 a.m.: Wonder why alarm clock hasn't rung yet.
8:01 a.m.: Look over to see smashed alarm clock.
8:02 a.m.: Check phone. Date says March 23.
7:00 a.m.: Alarm rings.
7:00:05 a.m.: Reach over and fumble for snooze button.
7:05 a.m.: Alarm rings.
7:05:05 a.m.: Smash alarm clock into four pieces and bury them in the corners of the earth.
7:30 a.m.: Realize you're still in bed.
8:00 a.m.: Get out of bed.
8:05 a.m.: Do devotions.
8:30 a.m.: Decide to exercise tomorrow.
8:45 a.m.: Eat breakfast.
9:00 a.m.: Decide how much time to waste today.
9:15 a.m.: Find out laptop has virus.
9:15:05 a.m.: Smash fist into laptop screen.
9:17 a.m.: Bandage bleeding knuckles and hook up monitor to laptop.
9:20 a.m.: Start school.
11:00 a.m.: Get off Facebook.
11:05 a.m.: Start school.
12:00 p.m.: Get off Facebook. Eat lunch.
12:30 p.m.: Finish lunch. Go to store.
2:00 p.m.: Come back from store.
2:05 p.m.: Plug in new alarm clock.
2:30 p.m.: Start school.
3:00 p.m.: Curse social media for its nonproductivity and swear never to use it again. Start school.
4:00 p.m.: Get off Facebook. Perform exorcism on laptop.
4:30 p.m.: Meteor demolishes satellite dish. Start school.
5:00 p.m.: Eat dinner.
6:00 p.m.: Family devotions.
8:00 p.m.: Finish school.
8:30 p.m.: Grounded for smashing laptop screen.
8:31 p.m.: Go outside. Since fist is already hurt, yell insults at dog.
8:35 p.m.: Dog starts yelling insults back at you.
8:35:30 p.m.: Decide you've been on Facebook too much today.
8:36 p.m.: Remember you have term paper due tomorrow.
10:00 p.m.: Finish term paper. Stumble to bed and collapse.
10:01 p.m.: Forgot to brush teeth.
10:01:05 p.m.: Screw it.
10:02 p.m.: Lie in bed and contemplate the meaning of life.
11:00 p.m.: Can't fall asleep.
11:01 p.m.: Get up and brush teeth.
11:05 p.m.: Fall asleep.
8:00 a.m.: Wake up.
8:00:30 a.m.: Wonder why alarm clock hasn't rung yet.
8:01 a.m.: Look over to see smashed alarm clock.
8:02 a.m.: Check phone. Date says March 23.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Graduation is upon us
It's an interesting experience, to say the least.
I, as a homeschooled teenager, am in somewhat of an awkward position. I'm advanced in grade for my age (I'm writing this as a senior). But I am and am not graduating. I'll be a senior for another year, because they apparently didn't count an online course I took in 9th grade. So I'm walking, but not graduating. Yeah, it's confusing.
The thing is, I feel stuck in this sort of limbo phase where many of my friends are leaving to go to college. Sure, they'll still be around, but it feels as though my life is fading bit by bit. I'm stuck out here on a limb, all alone, as everyone I've traveled with goes on ahead; and all I can do is wish them well. I also have a job that occupies about a fourth of my time. I'm doing some serious college surfing, and I'm still undecided as to what path I'll be taking. I'm reaching my hands into the world that is separate from the care of my parents, and I can't help but feel how small I am.
For all of you that are still in high school, this is how graduating feels like. It's a scary thing. We may look cool, kids, but our responsibility is not.
In my life, I've moved quite a few times to different states. Each time, I've had to sacrifice that part of my past in what I've left behind. It feels like snipping small pieces out of your heart, let me tell you. Of course, I know from experience that after a while you make new friends. Things return to normal.
That doesn't make the passing any less painful, however.
I love to make people laugh. The notion that my words or actions spawns joy or hilarity in someone is something that can warm my heart like nothing else. I'm no professional comedian. But sometimes, the sarcasm and wit that I say is really forced.
"Man up," I can hear Reaper saying. "The world is no place for a baby."
Yeah, I know, pal.
A world full of people trying to deceive, attack, and corrupt me?
Look at that, fear. See that? See what's standing between me and you? Just the Creator of the Universe.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39
Yeah, fear. Yeah, world.
Bring it on.
I, as a homeschooled teenager, am in somewhat of an awkward position. I'm advanced in grade for my age (I'm writing this as a senior). But I am and am not graduating. I'll be a senior for another year, because they apparently didn't count an online course I took in 9th grade. So I'm walking, but not graduating. Yeah, it's confusing.
The thing is, I feel stuck in this sort of limbo phase where many of my friends are leaving to go to college. Sure, they'll still be around, but it feels as though my life is fading bit by bit. I'm stuck out here on a limb, all alone, as everyone I've traveled with goes on ahead; and all I can do is wish them well. I also have a job that occupies about a fourth of my time. I'm doing some serious college surfing, and I'm still undecided as to what path I'll be taking. I'm reaching my hands into the world that is separate from the care of my parents, and I can't help but feel how small I am.
For all of you that are still in high school, this is how graduating feels like. It's a scary thing. We may look cool, kids, but our responsibility is not.
In my life, I've moved quite a few times to different states. Each time, I've had to sacrifice that part of my past in what I've left behind. It feels like snipping small pieces out of your heart, let me tell you. Of course, I know from experience that after a while you make new friends. Things return to normal.
That doesn't make the passing any less painful, however.
I love to make people laugh. The notion that my words or actions spawns joy or hilarity in someone is something that can warm my heart like nothing else. I'm no professional comedian. But sometimes, the sarcasm and wit that I say is really forced.
"Man up," I can hear Reaper saying. "The world is no place for a baby."
Yeah, I know, pal.
A world full of people trying to deceive, attack, and corrupt me?
Look at that, fear. See that? See what's standing between me and you? Just the Creator of the Universe.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39
Yeah, fear. Yeah, world.
Bring it on.
Friday, March 14, 2014
The Ten Commandments of Facebook
Disclaimer:
The views and opinions expressed in this post do not represent mine, because they are, and if I am sued for them I won't be responsible because they aren't. No smoking allowed. If the content of this post offends you in any way shape or form, technology has advanced to the point where there is a small 'x' at the top right or left of your screen that will remove this offensive material from your sight. No language or I'll caps lock you to death. Copyright infringement will result in being beaten to death, burned alive, and kept on bread and water for six weeks. Then the fire nation will attack. Please enjoy with a modicum of reasonableness.
1. Thou shalt read before you like.
2. Thou shalt not post about your personal activities: these include brushing your teeth, putting on your deodorant, eating meals, or attending the call of nature.
3. Thou shalt not post 'like for' 'comment for' 'share for' 'ignore for' content. These are boring and almost always draw the implication that your self-esteem is down a few points.
4. Thou shalt not befriend every single person you come into contact with, either over the internet or in real life. Twinkies are banned. Assaults do happen. Video games breed violence. And 90% of what I'm telling you is completely relevant to social media.
5. Thou shalt not tell the world you are ugly, or that you are considering suicide. Both can be derived from your profile picture.
6. Thou shalt not express thy opinion. This is a politically correct world, and any such sign of independence must be eradicated so that we may all live in freedom.
7. Thou shalt not hack another person's account. This can only lead to hilarity, and such is also forbidden in a politically correct media.
8. Thou shalt not take five million selfies. One is plenty, given we already established point 5.
9. Thou shalt not ever use the term 'YOLO', under any given circumstances, unless you want the police to use rapidity in arriving at your location.
10. Thou shalt not tolerate the presence, use, or implication of the term 'swag'. This term implies that the user has a fourth-grade level of education, wishes to display their fabricated wealth, is homosexual, or all three.
Disclaimer, 'cause we live in a politically correct society:
(I'm only half serious about some of these, the rest is all for fun)
The views and opinions expressed in this post do not represent mine, because they are, and if I am sued for them I won't be responsible because they aren't. No smoking allowed. If the content of this post offends you in any way shape or form, technology has advanced to the point where there is a small 'x' at the top right or left of your screen that will remove this offensive material from your sight. No language or I'll caps lock you to death. Copyright infringement will result in being beaten to death, burned alive, and kept on bread and water for six weeks. Then the fire nation will attack. Please enjoy with a modicum of reasonableness.
1. Thou shalt read before you like.
2. Thou shalt not post about your personal activities: these include brushing your teeth, putting on your deodorant, eating meals, or attending the call of nature.
3. Thou shalt not post 'like for' 'comment for' 'share for' 'ignore for' content. These are boring and almost always draw the implication that your self-esteem is down a few points.
4. Thou shalt not befriend every single person you come into contact with, either over the internet or in real life. Twinkies are banned. Assaults do happen. Video games breed violence. And 90% of what I'm telling you is completely relevant to social media.
5. Thou shalt not tell the world you are ugly, or that you are considering suicide. Both can be derived from your profile picture.
6. Thou shalt not express thy opinion. This is a politically correct world, and any such sign of independence must be eradicated so that we may all live in freedom.
7. Thou shalt not hack another person's account. This can only lead to hilarity, and such is also forbidden in a politically correct media.
8. Thou shalt not take five million selfies. One is plenty, given we already established point 5.
9. Thou shalt not ever use the term 'YOLO', under any given circumstances, unless you want the police to use rapidity in arriving at your location.
10. Thou shalt not tolerate the presence, use, or implication of the term 'swag'. This term implies that the user has a fourth-grade level of education, wishes to display their fabricated wealth, is homosexual, or all three.
Disclaimer, 'cause we live in a politically correct society:
(I'm only half serious about some of these, the rest is all for fun)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
World War Z: Review
Hey guys,
Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. Apologies. One's writing urge just dries up sometimes.
But I have a new topic, yes yes: I just watched the blockbuster movie 'World War Z', one of the only movies about zombies America's had in a long time (yeah, I do know about 'The Walking Dead', but that's a TV show, not a movie. Does nae count). Quick tip; don't watch this movie just before going to bed.
SPOILERS ALERT
I really am not sure I can summarize this adequately, so here's the Wikipedia summary of the film.
Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. Apologies. One's writing urge just dries up sometimes.
But I have a new topic, yes yes: I just watched the blockbuster movie 'World War Z', one of the only movies about zombies America's had in a long time (yeah, I do know about 'The Walking Dead', but that's a TV show, not a movie. Does nae count). Quick tip; don't watch this movie just before going to bed.
SPOILERS ALERT
I really am not sure I can summarize this adequately, so here's the Wikipedia summary of the film.
Former UN investigator Gerry Lane, his wife Karin and their two daughters are in Philadelphia when the city is attacked by zombies. Everyone bitten by a zombie quickly becomes one as well. As chaos spreads, the Lanes take refuge in the apartment of a couple and their young son, Tommy. UN Deputy Secretary-General Thierry Umutoni—an old friend of Gerry's—sends a helicopter that transports the Lanes and Tommy to a U.S. Navy vessel in the Atlantic Ocean, where scientists and military personnel are analyzing the worldwide outbreaks. Dr. Andrew Fassbach posits that the plague is a virus, and that development of a vaccine depends on finding the origin. Gerry reluctantly agrees to accompany Fassbach to the site of the earliest known outbreak after it is made clear that he and his family will be removed from the ship if he does not.
Gerry and Fassbach fly to Camp Humphreys, a military base in South Korea, where they are attacked by zombies. Running back into the aircraft, Fassbach slips, falls and accidentally discharges his gun, killing himself. After being rescued by the base's surviving personnel, led by Captain Speke, Gerry learns that the infection was introduced to the base by its doctor, who was ultimately incinerated by a soldier with a lame leg whom the infected ignored. A former CIA operative imprisoned at the base tells Gerry to go toJerusalem and talk to someone named Jurgen Warmbrunn. The zombies are attracted to sound, so Gerry and his team quietly bike back to their aircraft. Karin phones Gerry at the wrong time, however, causing zombies to attack. Infected, Captain Speke commits suicide. Gerry and the pilot escape.
In Jerusalem, Gerry meets Jurgen Warmbrunn, who explains that months earlier, he had taken seriously an intercepted message that Indian troops were fighting the rakshasa ("undead"). As a result, the Israelis reacted more quickly to the danger than anyone else. The city itself is enclosed by very high walls and heavily guarded. Survivors are carefully let in, but loud celebratory singing by some of them incites the zombies to climb over each other at the wall, eventually scaling it and entering the city. Jurgen orders some Israeli soldiers to escort Gerry back to his plane. On the way, Gerry notices zombies ignoring a sick old man and an emaciated boy. One of Gerry's escorts, a soldier who identifies herself only by her rank, Segen, is bitten on the hand. Gerry quickly amputates it to stop her from turning into a zombie. Discovering that his plane had already left, Gerry and Segen escape on a commercial airliner as Jerusalem is overrun.
Gerry tells the pilot to head to the nearest World Health Organization (WHO) facility, which happens to be in Wales. He telephones Thierry to persuade the pilot. When a stowaway zombie is inadvertently allowed into the cabin in mid-air, Gerry uses a grenade to blow open a hole in the side of the airplane; the infected are sucked out, but the plane crashes. Gerry is injured, but both he and Segen survive. They proceed to the WHO facility, where Gerry loses consciousness for three days. When he awakens, he explains to the remaining staff his theory, based on his observations: the zombies ignore the seriously injured or terminally ill, since they would be unsuitable hosts. If they can infect people with a deadly but curable disease, they would be safe. Unfortunately, the facility's pathogens are in a wing overrun by the zombies. Gerry, Segen and the lead WHO doctor quietly sneak in, but make a noise. Chased, they become separated. Segen and the doctor return to safety, while Gerry reaches the pathogen vault. A zombie arrives outside the only entrance, forcing him to inject himself. After waiting a while for the disease to take effect, he opens the door. The zombie enters the vault but, sensing his infection, does not attack. Neither do the others he encounters while returning to the main wing where he is given a cure for the disease.
Gerry and his family are reunited in a safe zone at Freeport, Nova Scotia. A "vaccine" is developed and issued to troops battling the infected. It is also parachuted to other survivors. There is hope, though Gerry admits that the war is not over.
END SPOILERS
So...that was that, essentially. What did I think?
Well, overall it was a pretty good movie. They got the atmosphere...dark, scary, panicked...right-on. I told you earlier don't watch it just before you go to bed; I did, and went to sleep with my gun propped up against the wall next to me and a combat knife close to hand.
The dialogue was solid, the special effects well-done, and the plot fairly interesting. I really don't know what's wrong with this movie...it's a good movie...
Oh. That's it!
It's just a really good movie. It's not spectacular. It didn't really go out on a limb, or anything. The climax was...eh...not as climax-ish as you might expect. Don't get me wrong, it certainly is a climax...just not a super big one. The movie is solid, the acting is great, it's just not blow-off-your-socks awesome. I guess that's really it.
I fully recommend the movie...it's a good watch. Just don't watch it just before you go to bed...
Sayonara!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Winter Camp 2014
Salutations, people.
Every year in January or February, my church youth group goes to a winter camp. This camp, as long as I've gone or have known of it, has gone to Woodlands, which is in North Georgia. I'll give you a little run-down of what happened.
On Friday Jan. 17, one o'clock p.m. (or a little thereafter), a bunch of youth piled in three or four cars for a long drive up north. If I'm honest with myself, the drive there and back is one of my most favorite parts of camp. Such memories abide in these long hours. We got there and unpacked that evening, then went to dinner - some people going to Wendy's to brave pre-iron gut, others wimping out and fleeing to Zaxby's instead. I was, of course, with the Wendy's crowd.
For those of you who don't know, pre-iron gut is basically preparation for iron gut, a horrible game where our youth leaders go to the store or restaurant, buy random articles of food, and mix it all up in two blenders. Then two teams of youth attempt to drain the blender to the dregs, and whoever can chug through the valley of unhealthy mix first wins the 'Guts & Glory Award', which is basically a slap on the back to help cough up what you just consumed and infamy for the next year or so. And a piece of paper that says you did it.
We had a special speaker, Wade Grubbs, with us for the weekend; he blazed through the book of Ecclesiastes, the main point being "live life in light of judgement". I'll be honest: I now see Ecclesiastes through different glasses. I never knew it could be as encouraging as it was.
I'll hit on the main highlights of the camp. Of course, the sessions were a given. Loved them. Loved every last minute of them.
When we weren't in the Word, however, most of our (and by 'our' I mean 'my') time was spent up in the game room, which housed three ping-pong tables, two foosball tables, and two air hockey tables. I was usually on the foosball tables, but I did my fair share of ping pong and air hockey. Saturday night, there was a massive tournament, and you could pick which of the three sports you could compete in. I participated in all three, and made it to about fifth place in foosball and ping pong. I failed miserably at air hockey (not surprising).
Another great event was paintball. Who doesn't like paintball? (Aside from girly girls, I understand that.) All those who signed up went in two shifts, one early and one late. Most of the new kids in the youth group went the early shift - I refrained from my urge to dominate them, instead opting for the late shift, which held most of the YG paintball veterans. Boy, did we have a blast (eeeeh? Get it?). I was chosen as team captain of the Red Team, opposed to our youth pastor who captained the Blue Team. We played capture the flag and team deathmatch, coming out of the shift with a one-one tie. And, of course, more on us than when we began (I was hit in the head, elbow, lower back, and front and back of the shoulder, not to mention getting paint splattered all over my mask visor from near-misses).
The camp we went to also offered a fairly long and awesome zipline (it was probably 1000+ feet long), a bungee, a climbing wall, and kayaking/canoeing out on its lake. I rode the zipline a few times and climbed the wall two or three times, but refrained from doing the bungee. I did do some canoeing, though. Ever tried paddling a canoe with one hand? I have...it kills the arm, man.
Last, but not least, the infamous Iron gut competition arrived on Sunday morning. Eight brave and stupid competitors lined up, four a team, to savor the sewage that is Iron gut. This year it was themed 'McDonald's breakfast'. It was comprised of such things as orange juice, sausage egg & cheese biscuit, coffee creamer, vanilla ice cream, hushpuppies, and a couple other things I probably conveniently forgot. Eight trudged in, and four emerged victorious, with stomach aches and aftertastes to boot. I slapped Bobby, the guy who was pretty much an Iron gut legend, on the back afterwards (he was on the winning team, of course), saying "Wanna go out for lunch? I've got a few places in mind..."
(Never done Iron gut, never will.)
And Sunday afternoon, we all piled in for the ride home. While I'll miss and remember with fondness the memories made this winter camp, I'll always be looking forward to the next one.
Sayonara!
Every year in January or February, my church youth group goes to a winter camp. This camp, as long as I've gone or have known of it, has gone to Woodlands, which is in North Georgia. I'll give you a little run-down of what happened.
On Friday Jan. 17, one o'clock p.m. (or a little thereafter), a bunch of youth piled in three or four cars for a long drive up north. If I'm honest with myself, the drive there and back is one of my most favorite parts of camp. Such memories abide in these long hours. We got there and unpacked that evening, then went to dinner - some people going to Wendy's to brave pre-iron gut, others wimping out and fleeing to Zaxby's instead. I was, of course, with the Wendy's crowd.
For those of you who don't know, pre-iron gut is basically preparation for iron gut, a horrible game where our youth leaders go to the store or restaurant, buy random articles of food, and mix it all up in two blenders. Then two teams of youth attempt to drain the blender to the dregs, and whoever can chug through the valley of unhealthy mix first wins the 'Guts & Glory Award', which is basically a slap on the back to help cough up what you just consumed and infamy for the next year or so. And a piece of paper that says you did it.
We had a special speaker, Wade Grubbs, with us for the weekend; he blazed through the book of Ecclesiastes, the main point being "live life in light of judgement". I'll be honest: I now see Ecclesiastes through different glasses. I never knew it could be as encouraging as it was.
I'll hit on the main highlights of the camp. Of course, the sessions were a given. Loved them. Loved every last minute of them.
When we weren't in the Word, however, most of our (and by 'our' I mean 'my') time was spent up in the game room, which housed three ping-pong tables, two foosball tables, and two air hockey tables. I was usually on the foosball tables, but I did my fair share of ping pong and air hockey. Saturday night, there was a massive tournament, and you could pick which of the three sports you could compete in. I participated in all three, and made it to about fifth place in foosball and ping pong. I failed miserably at air hockey (not surprising).
Another great event was paintball. Who doesn't like paintball? (Aside from girly girls, I understand that.) All those who signed up went in two shifts, one early and one late. Most of the new kids in the youth group went the early shift - I refrained from my urge to dominate them, instead opting for the late shift, which held most of the YG paintball veterans. Boy, did we have a blast (eeeeh? Get it?). I was chosen as team captain of the Red Team, opposed to our youth pastor who captained the Blue Team. We played capture the flag and team deathmatch, coming out of the shift with a one-one tie. And, of course, more on us than when we began (I was hit in the head, elbow, lower back, and front and back of the shoulder, not to mention getting paint splattered all over my mask visor from near-misses).
The camp we went to also offered a fairly long and awesome zipline (it was probably 1000+ feet long), a bungee, a climbing wall, and kayaking/canoeing out on its lake. I rode the zipline a few times and climbed the wall two or three times, but refrained from doing the bungee. I did do some canoeing, though. Ever tried paddling a canoe with one hand? I have...it kills the arm, man.
Last, but not least, the infamous Iron gut competition arrived on Sunday morning. Eight brave and stupid competitors lined up, four a team, to savor the sewage that is Iron gut. This year it was themed 'McDonald's breakfast'. It was comprised of such things as orange juice, sausage egg & cheese biscuit, coffee creamer, vanilla ice cream, hushpuppies, and a couple other things I probably conveniently forgot. Eight trudged in, and four emerged victorious, with stomach aches and aftertastes to boot. I slapped Bobby, the guy who was pretty much an Iron gut legend, on the back afterwards (he was on the winning team, of course), saying "Wanna go out for lunch? I've got a few places in mind..."
(Never done Iron gut, never will.)
And Sunday afternoon, we all piled in for the ride home. While I'll miss and remember with fondness the memories made this winter camp, I'll always be looking forward to the next one.
Sayonara!
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Mirror, Mirror: Review
There are quite a few Snow White knockoffs out there, if you look. You don't have to, but if you do, there are, as I said, quite a few.
Well, here's one of them. I have to admit, the blaring 'Julia Roberts!' across the top of the DVD cover didn't exactly excite my interest, as I don't waste time keeping up with celebrities. Neither do I watch Snow White films.
I mean...really! I don't. Swear. Pinky swear. This was an exception...
Okay, I've seen quite a few Snow White movies. Confession. But that does not mean I'm enamored with the story, because I'm not. Promise.
*twitch*
No, really, I'm not.
SPOILER ALERT
So we start out with the classic Snow White story, except this time the evil queen (played by Julia Roberts) is narrating. She says it's her story, but we can forget that obvious lie and move on.
I'm going to assume for education's sake you know the Snow White story, because it's a classic. I'm jumping right into the movie's plot...which is different.
Snow White is a timid little pretty young eighteen-year-old princess who lives in her room all day. The evil queen keeps her that way, and in the meantime plays...ship chess with her baron. Yeah. Ship chess. It looked pretty cool. I wanna play it...
Anyway, Snow finally gets it into her head to go see her kingdom (which, apparently, amounts to a castle, a small town, and a forest...yup). She goes out and is shocked at the poor state of the people, whose poverty is caused by the Queen's lavish living and taxes that help her pay it. None of the people know her, and she knows none of the people, 'cause she's a hopeless shut-in who does nothing.
In the process of wandering about, she stumbles on our Prince Charming, who happens to be played by the guy who was the protagonist in the recent Lone Ranger movie.
Yes, him. Snow finds him and his traveling companion strung up by their toes, having been captured by bandits and ransacked for all their wordly goods. She sets them free, they exchange a little awkwardness, and then they part ways.
The prince, apparently, is headed out in search of 'adventure'. Lame. But, lo and behold, he stumbles across Snow's castle and is admitted by the evil queen, who likes his looks and money so much she decides she's going to marry him.
She throws a huge ball in hopes of impressing him. He is met in the ball by Snow White (who didn't know he was a prince) and they exchange some more awkwardness. The queen observes their exchange, however, and decides she wants Snow out of the way, permanently. So she orders her manservant to kill Snow.
The manservant takes her out to the woods, feels some compassion, and cuts her free to run away. She begins sprinting through the forest in a huge dress (how much flipping wind resistance does that have to have??), then taps her dainty little head against a rotten tree branch and faints. Did I mention she was a bit fragile...?
Luckily for her, said tree branch happens to be part of a huge beaver hut that was built by the seven dwarves. Dwarffes. Dwarvfs. Stupid autocorrect, I had it right the first time. They are all shocked she's not in the kitchen and have compassion on her, taking her in and having her make sandwiches for all.
Nah, not really. But she does cook for them.
Little does she know (for about five minutes), these dwarves are in fact the bandits that strung her prince up to dry. She finds out when the dwarves raid a carriage that was transporting taxes to the queen. Suffice it to say that after that, they give the taxes back to the people. Sort of.
When the news of the 'highway robbery' gets to the castle, the prince grinds his teeth at mention of the bandits and sets out with a company of guards to finish them. The dwarves, who have been training Snow White in combat, sally forth to meet them and once again strip them of their clothes and belongings, chasing them back to the castle. In the midst of their scuffle, the prince meets up with Snow again and fights her, exchanging some more awkwardness.
By the time he gets back, however, he is obviously enamored with Snow. The queen, not liking the fact that Snow is still alive - much less that the prince is in wuv with her - consults her magic mirror (which is actually a portal to another dimension that contains nothing but her little witch-hut in the middle of an ocean and her alternate personality...eh...necesita psychologist much?). She turns her manservant into a cockroach for his failed delivery of the taxes, tells her magical alternate personality to kill Snow (again) and gets a love potion to make the prince love her instead of Snow.
Unfortunately for her, this love potion turns out to be a 'puppy love' potion...however that works, and it makes the prince behave like an overly attached puppy to her. And I think her quote "There are pros and cons to this" sums that up quite well.
Meanwhile, Snow is attacked by magical marionettes, because...well, I guess that was the best way to kill her? She couldn't just be turned into a cockroach and then stomped? Eh...movie logic. The marionettes smash a bunch of stuff before Snow discovers their weakness...strings. Yeah. Just cut their strings and they're helpless. Dumbest...assassination attempt...ever.
They prepare to get married, but Snow hears about the wedding and takes her dwarves to go break the thing up. They steal the prince and leave the wedding guests in their underwear, making an interesting spectacle when the queen arrives and finds her bridegroom kidnapped and the wedding in disarray. She stomps off to go kill Snow herself.
Back at the dwarves' hideout, they try many ways to lift the spell on the prince. These 'ways' include ear-boxing, blowing a horn in his face, playing pool with his head, and plain good ol' fashioned slugging his face. With fists. Nothing seems to work, until one of the dwarves suggests 'love's first kiss', and tells Snow she can do it. Snow works herself up to finally do it (apparently it's her first kiss ever...I'd say bravo, but one: she's eighteen and unmarried, and two: she was shut up in a castle for ninety percent of her current life.), and she kisses the prince, lifting the spell on him.
The queen then arrives. Apparently a mythical beast lives in part of the forest and terrorizes the kingdom (this was explained way back in the movie), but now it turns out the queen controls it and she sends it after Snow. The beast turns out to be her father under a spell (who vanished into the forest way back in the beginning of the movie), and Snow severs the magical link between him and the evil queen. Severing this link not only kills the beast, it also appears to age the queen, removing her beauty. Snow then marries the prince, and they all live happily ever after.
A few things to mention. Quite a few actors played/camioed in this movie, including Julia Roberts (duh), Sean Bean (who was the king...WHAT?), a very brief show of Johnny Depp, and that little dwarf from Pirates of the Caribbean. And a few others I can't stick names to. However, it's quite obvious they were only there for the trailer hook, nothing more. The movie has a B-rating.
They do have a throwback to the 'poisoned apple' from the original Snow White story. After being defeated and aged, the queen shows up disguised at Snow's wedding and offers her the apple as a wedding gift. However, her words give her away, and Snow doesn't take the bait, instead jabbing her with one of her own lines "You should know when you're beaten" that the queen said during the ship-chess game.
"You're a traitor!"
"You're a jerk!"
(The Prince and Snow White)
END SPOILERS
Despite its B-rating, I did actually somewhat enjoy this movie. It was an interesting quirk on the original Snow White tale. While not that well executed, the dialogue and characters are interesting enough. The plot is not that great, but its less-than-spectacularness is downplayed by the movie's pros. Animation, for the little CG there is, is fine; save for one scene where the painted background is blatantly obvious.
The movie was light-hearted, obviously not taking itself seriously. Jokes are numerous and fairly executed.
Overall, I'd say this movie is a might-watch. It's hovering between meh and good, so...draw your own conclusions. I'd recommend getting it from the library, which is what we did.
And that, as they say, is that. Sayonara!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Reaper's Safety Session: Blogging
Greetings, EARTHLINGS! Ah'm feeling a little strange today so HEEEEHEEEHEEEHEHEEEEHHH.....Buckle your seat belts!
Today we're going to talk about that all-important issue that helps keep the world in overpopulation: safety.
Topic? Blogging.
It's everywhere, help, save meeeee! In my face, under my pillow, in my toothpaste....GAAAAH! HEEEEELP! Here's a few tips to dealing with this nasty disease.
1. Make a blog proclaiming the evils of blogging. That'll rally people to your cause in no time.
2. Post all sorts of controversial stuff and news. That, or make it completely boring about your life; what you had for breakfast, how your cat clawed your leg to shribbons (shreds/ribbons...actually, that might be interesting). No one will read it, then.
3. Stay away from the internet. So what if I told you to create a blog? Did I say you had to? No. Did I say I was trustworthy? No. Did I say I would be consistent? Of course Iie.
4. Go around a local mall thrusting books in peoples' faces, yelling "READ! READ MY STUFF!"
5. Spam Google with angry emails about how their system is broken. That's always worked.
6. Lie down. Try not to cry. Cry a lot.
7. Laugh, because you're an idiot and there's nothing you can do about it.
You'll never get rid of it, so might as well live with it! SAYONARA.
Today we're going to talk about that all-important issue that helps keep the world in overpopulation: safety.
Topic? Blogging.
It's everywhere, help, save meeeee! In my face, under my pillow, in my toothpaste....GAAAAH! HEEEEELP! Here's a few tips to dealing with this nasty disease.
1. Make a blog proclaiming the evils of blogging. That'll rally people to your cause in no time.
2. Post all sorts of controversial stuff and news. That, or make it completely boring about your life; what you had for breakfast, how your cat clawed your leg to shribbons (shreds/ribbons...actually, that might be interesting). No one will read it, then.
3. Stay away from the internet. So what if I told you to create a blog? Did I say you had to? No. Did I say I was trustworthy? No. Did I say I would be consistent? Of course Iie.
4. Go around a local mall thrusting books in peoples' faces, yelling "READ! READ MY STUFF!"
5. Spam Google with angry emails about how their system is broken. That's always worked.
6. Lie down. Try not to cry. Cry a lot.
7. Laugh, because you're an idiot and there's nothing you can do about it.
You'll never get rid of it, so might as well live with it! SAYONARA.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
Hello one, hello all.
As you may know, the sequel to the first Hobbit movie came out just recently (in relation to this post, anyhow). People I know have already given their opinions of it, and generally it seems to have a positive acclaim to it (save for one or two people, ahem ahem). But of course because we're on my blog, what do I think of it?
SPOILERS ALERT
So...this movie basically spans the time where they left off the last movie till the time they enter the mountain. The film ends on a horrible cliffhanger with Smaug going off to destroy Laketown, which of course (if you've read the book) is where he meets his doom by Bard. A couple of things I need to complain about.
First of all, the elves. Thranduil = pink explosions whenever you see him on screen. In fact, in that scene where he shows Thorin how he's been burned with dragonfire too, I found myself wishing he stayed with that look throughout the whole movie. At least we wouldn't be seeing rainbows every time he's in frame.
Then we have Legolas. Okay, I confess. I like to make my characters practically unbeatable too. But this elf? He's a god. Okay? Unrealistic. If anything, he loses perfection from the Hobbit to Lotr. Which is unacceptable if you want any semblance of consistency.
And, of course, Tauriel. Now I have to admit I like her. Pretty? Check. Great fighter? Check. The only problem? She's completely unnecessary. Seriously! Edit her and her 'wuv' with Kili out of the movie and you've lost absolutely nothing. At all. I'll explain more about why later.
Secondly, the blatant Deus Ex Machina all over the place. Coincidence after stupid coincidence. Guys, I understand that movies are supposed to 'work out' perfectly, but SERIOUSLY. This movie could have come up with a lot more imaginative and believable events instead of stupid "movie logic" scenes. Visit my fellow blogger Joshua Koh over at http://mysteriesleftundone.blogspot.com/ for more about that.
Lastly...the nostalgia. It's quite obvious from a few scenes that they're trying to remind you that 'Hey, Lotr is next'. When, in fact, all they accomplish is 'oh, look, um...lord of the rings. yay.' For example, the Sauron scene. Eyeception. Sauronception. Whatever. And then, of course, Gandalf being captured and seemingly in threat of 'imminent death'. Hey, uh, movie? I've seen Lotr, and Gandalf's in it. You can't fool me, hahahaha!
But in all seriousness, I wish they would keep that out. The Hobbit has its own flavor from Lotr, and while they are connected via sharing of the same world, they follow different storylines.
Here I'll start explaining what I don't like about what they've done with the Hobbit. Originally, the story is somewhat like a coming-of-age story. You have Bilbo, a homely little hobbit who never goes on any 'adventures' and consequently doesn't know much about a rugged life. Then he is dragged out his door on a quest to regain a treasure. Along the way he meets various trials and hardships, and we get to see him grow more confident as he goes, finally culminating in his bravery at the Lonely Mountain.
But instead, the producers have decided to throw in Radagast, Dol Guldur and the 'sorcerer' into the mix, along with Azog from the Lotr appendixes. They wanted it to have more action and tenseness in there, which while I can understand, distracts from the main character - Bilbo. To add to the confusion is Tauriel and her 'unlikely love' with Kili, which as I mentioned, is totally unnecessary and in fact, might just be a throwback to Aragorn and Arwen. It's not something I enjoy, and in fact I think Tolkien wouldn't be very happy with it either.
And that, as they say, is that. Do I still like it? Yes, I do. Even given its shortcomings. You'd have to work really, really hard to destroy the wonderful world of Lotr and The Hobbit. And of course, I do understand that the translation from book to film often changes things. I just wish they'd been more original.
Sayonara!
As you may know, the sequel to the first Hobbit movie came out just recently (in relation to this post, anyhow). People I know have already given their opinions of it, and generally it seems to have a positive acclaim to it (save for one or two people, ahem ahem). But of course because we're on my blog, what do I think of it?
SPOILERS ALERT
So...this movie basically spans the time where they left off the last movie till the time they enter the mountain. The film ends on a horrible cliffhanger with Smaug going off to destroy Laketown, which of course (if you've read the book) is where he meets his doom by Bard. A couple of things I need to complain about.
First of all, the elves. Thranduil = pink explosions whenever you see him on screen. In fact, in that scene where he shows Thorin how he's been burned with dragonfire too, I found myself wishing he stayed with that look throughout the whole movie. At least we wouldn't be seeing rainbows every time he's in frame.
Then we have Legolas. Okay, I confess. I like to make my characters practically unbeatable too. But this elf? He's a god. Okay? Unrealistic. If anything, he loses perfection from the Hobbit to Lotr. Which is unacceptable if you want any semblance of consistency.
And, of course, Tauriel. Now I have to admit I like her. Pretty? Check. Great fighter? Check. The only problem? She's completely unnecessary. Seriously! Edit her and her 'wuv' with Kili out of the movie and you've lost absolutely nothing. At all. I'll explain more about why later.
Secondly, the blatant Deus Ex Machina all over the place. Coincidence after stupid coincidence. Guys, I understand that movies are supposed to 'work out' perfectly, but SERIOUSLY. This movie could have come up with a lot more imaginative and believable events instead of stupid "movie logic" scenes. Visit my fellow blogger Joshua Koh over at http://mysteriesleftundone.blogspot.com/ for more about that.
Lastly...the nostalgia. It's quite obvious from a few scenes that they're trying to remind you that 'Hey, Lotr is next'. When, in fact, all they accomplish is 'oh, look, um...lord of the rings. yay.' For example, the Sauron scene. Eyeception. Sauronception. Whatever. And then, of course, Gandalf being captured and seemingly in threat of 'imminent death'. Hey, uh, movie? I've seen Lotr, and Gandalf's in it. You can't fool me, hahahaha!
But in all seriousness, I wish they would keep that out. The Hobbit has its own flavor from Lotr, and while they are connected via sharing of the same world, they follow different storylines.
Here I'll start explaining what I don't like about what they've done with the Hobbit. Originally, the story is somewhat like a coming-of-age story. You have Bilbo, a homely little hobbit who never goes on any 'adventures' and consequently doesn't know much about a rugged life. Then he is dragged out his door on a quest to regain a treasure. Along the way he meets various trials and hardships, and we get to see him grow more confident as he goes, finally culminating in his bravery at the Lonely Mountain.
But instead, the producers have decided to throw in Radagast, Dol Guldur and the 'sorcerer' into the mix, along with Azog from the Lotr appendixes. They wanted it to have more action and tenseness in there, which while I can understand, distracts from the main character - Bilbo. To add to the confusion is Tauriel and her 'unlikely love' with Kili, which as I mentioned, is totally unnecessary and in fact, might just be a throwback to Aragorn and Arwen. It's not something I enjoy, and in fact I think Tolkien wouldn't be very happy with it either.
And that, as they say, is that. Do I still like it? Yes, I do. Even given its shortcomings. You'd have to work really, really hard to destroy the wonderful world of Lotr and The Hobbit. And of course, I do understand that the translation from book to film often changes things. I just wish they'd been more original.
Sayonara!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
CROSScon 2013
Just after Christmas, I left (that Friday) to go to a conference about missions. The title is as is.
Here's what happened:
Friday, 6:00 a.m., I arrived at the church and piled in a van with eleven others: Ryan Tetreault, Kyle Betsill, Emily and Leslie DePena, Katie and Danielle Saba, Amber Marcum, AnnaKate Jackson, Anna Thompson, Gina Granauro, and Natalia Gomez. We drove north to Louisville, Kentucky for about eight hours, including a stop in the middle for bathroom and a stop for lunch. We arrived around 2-2:30 p.m. (Lauren Keller and Charissa Crotts arrived via other transportation).
We went straight for the conference instead of stopping at the hotel. Registering, we then saved some seats, wandered around the many booths in the gigantic conference room and waited for the kickoff event.
At 4:30, the conference began with none other than TRIP LEE rockin' it out with some of his songs. Now, I'm not much into rap, but I've never met a real-life celebrity before. Seriously? It was great.
After Trip, guess who came up to preach? JOHN PIPER! I was racking up the list here. He was amazing and passionate, as John Piper usually is. After his sermon he was interviewed by Mark Dever, pastor of a D.C. church. We then left, exhausted and ready for bed, to go to the hotel.
At eight the next morning, Saturday, we left for the conference (I had breakfast in our room). For the morning session we started with some great singing, followed by Thabiti Anyabwile (yeah, I can't pronounce it either) and Kevin DeYoung, both brilliant men of God. The session ended at 12:15, and we then went to lunch. After lunch, we had our 'breakout' sessions, which were different talks by different speakers that you signed up for beforehand (although many people, myself included, just went to whichever one they wanted). There were two sessions, each an hour with a 45 minute break in between each. Then dinner. Finally, we went to the evening session at 7:00 where Conrad Mbewe preached an amazing sermon and afterwards Mark Dever interviewed some missionaries attending the conference. We left the conference right after the evening session ended for the hotel.
Sunday, we again left at eight and arrived for the morning session where Richard Chin (A Chinese man with an Australian accent...suffice it to say that was a first for me) and Mack Stiles (a missionary) both preached. Then lunch, then the breakout sessions, and finally the evening session pastored by Matt Chandler, after which David Sitton (another missionary) gave his testimony and called people to come to missions. Afterwards, we attended a Q&A with Matt Chandler and then left for the hotel.
Monday, the morning session was preached by Michael Oh (a Korean) and D.A. Carson, a well-known Christian writer. Afterwards we had the breakout sessions followed by the evening sessions, preached by David Platt, an ordinary man that, if you had been there, would undoubtedly seem touched by God. We left sometime afterwards for some sleep.
Tuesday, we left the hotel at 7:45 a.m. and arrived back around 5:00 p.m.
And that was that. Let me make a few notes.
-I brought a ton of soundtracks, which everybody loved and we listened to halfway there and halfway back.
-I met John Piper. Don't believe me? I posted a picture on Facebook. If you don't know me on Facebook, well, then, sorry. Too bad. Just take my word for it. XD
-Mark Dever is hilarious and serious all at the same time. He reminds me a lot of Kent Keller, who used to be a youth pastor at my church.
-We got FREE BOOKS. Like, six of them! And a free CD by Sovereign Grace!
-Michael Oh was quite the shocking preacher. While he made a good presentation, he kept using a phrase (that he explained, and which I'll mention later) that wasn't very savory, and he only used two passages of Scripture total. It was more of a presentation than a sermon, let me say.
-David Platt...quoted eight chapters of Romans straight. From MEMORY. He looked like he coulda gone further too. Put us all to shame. We should be memorizing Scripture like that.
-I've never had a better time in my life. Great teaching. Great worship. Great fellowship. Great God. Awesome, awesome time. I want to go again. Here's some quotes from each of the speakers.
John Piper: "The goal of missions is the supremacy of God in the joy of all peoples."
Thabiti Anyabwile: "No one can stand, no one can survive." (referring to the wrath of God)
Kevin DeYoung: "You can risk everything because God risks nothing."
Conrad Mbewe: "Death has died in the death of Christ."
Richard Chin: "We sign a blank check for Jesus."
Mack Stiles: "I love the small hinges upon which the great doors of life turn."
Matt Chandler: "The life worth living for Christ is a live worth losing."
Michael Oh: "Give a damn for Christ." ('damn' refers to a small Indian coin, which was of little value. That's where the expression 'I don't give a damn' comes from. Oh was encouraging people to give money for the sake of the gospel. I didn't like it, many people didn't.)
D.A. Carson: "To live above with those you love is quite the wanted glory: to live below with those you know, quite another story." (poking fun at our discontent)
David Platt: HE QUOTED EIGHT CHAPTERS OF ROMANS. I think that's enough.
Of course, there were many other speakers who did breakout sessions. I don't have a quote from them, so I hope you're satisfied. It was a great time. You should come for the next CROSScon. Visit their website at crosscon.com to learn more about global missions. Sayonara!
Here's what happened:
Friday, 6:00 a.m., I arrived at the church and piled in a van with eleven others: Ryan Tetreault, Kyle Betsill, Emily and Leslie DePena, Katie and Danielle Saba, Amber Marcum, AnnaKate Jackson, Anna Thompson, Gina Granauro, and Natalia Gomez. We drove north to Louisville, Kentucky for about eight hours, including a stop in the middle for bathroom and a stop for lunch. We arrived around 2-2:30 p.m. (Lauren Keller and Charissa Crotts arrived via other transportation).
We went straight for the conference instead of stopping at the hotel. Registering, we then saved some seats, wandered around the many booths in the gigantic conference room and waited for the kickoff event.
At 4:30, the conference began with none other than TRIP LEE rockin' it out with some of his songs. Now, I'm not much into rap, but I've never met a real-life celebrity before. Seriously? It was great.
After Trip, guess who came up to preach? JOHN PIPER! I was racking up the list here. He was amazing and passionate, as John Piper usually is. After his sermon he was interviewed by Mark Dever, pastor of a D.C. church. We then left, exhausted and ready for bed, to go to the hotel.
At eight the next morning, Saturday, we left for the conference (I had breakfast in our room). For the morning session we started with some great singing, followed by Thabiti Anyabwile (yeah, I can't pronounce it either) and Kevin DeYoung, both brilliant men of God. The session ended at 12:15, and we then went to lunch. After lunch, we had our 'breakout' sessions, which were different talks by different speakers that you signed up for beforehand (although many people, myself included, just went to whichever one they wanted). There were two sessions, each an hour with a 45 minute break in between each. Then dinner. Finally, we went to the evening session at 7:00 where Conrad Mbewe preached an amazing sermon and afterwards Mark Dever interviewed some missionaries attending the conference. We left the conference right after the evening session ended for the hotel.
Sunday, we again left at eight and arrived for the morning session where Richard Chin (A Chinese man with an Australian accent...suffice it to say that was a first for me) and Mack Stiles (a missionary) both preached. Then lunch, then the breakout sessions, and finally the evening session pastored by Matt Chandler, after which David Sitton (another missionary) gave his testimony and called people to come to missions. Afterwards, we attended a Q&A with Matt Chandler and then left for the hotel.
Monday, the morning session was preached by Michael Oh (a Korean) and D.A. Carson, a well-known Christian writer. Afterwards we had the breakout sessions followed by the evening sessions, preached by David Platt, an ordinary man that, if you had been there, would undoubtedly seem touched by God. We left sometime afterwards for some sleep.
Tuesday, we left the hotel at 7:45 a.m. and arrived back around 5:00 p.m.
And that was that. Let me make a few notes.
-I brought a ton of soundtracks, which everybody loved and we listened to halfway there and halfway back.
-I met John Piper. Don't believe me? I posted a picture on Facebook. If you don't know me on Facebook, well, then, sorry. Too bad. Just take my word for it. XD
-Mark Dever is hilarious and serious all at the same time. He reminds me a lot of Kent Keller, who used to be a youth pastor at my church.
-We got FREE BOOKS. Like, six of them! And a free CD by Sovereign Grace!
-Michael Oh was quite the shocking preacher. While he made a good presentation, he kept using a phrase (that he explained, and which I'll mention later) that wasn't very savory, and he only used two passages of Scripture total. It was more of a presentation than a sermon, let me say.
-David Platt...quoted eight chapters of Romans straight. From MEMORY. He looked like he coulda gone further too. Put us all to shame. We should be memorizing Scripture like that.
-I've never had a better time in my life. Great teaching. Great worship. Great fellowship. Great God. Awesome, awesome time. I want to go again. Here's some quotes from each of the speakers.
John Piper: "The goal of missions is the supremacy of God in the joy of all peoples."
Thabiti Anyabwile: "No one can stand, no one can survive." (referring to the wrath of God)
Kevin DeYoung: "You can risk everything because God risks nothing."
Conrad Mbewe: "Death has died in the death of Christ."
Richard Chin: "We sign a blank check for Jesus."
Mack Stiles: "I love the small hinges upon which the great doors of life turn."
Matt Chandler: "The life worth living for Christ is a live worth losing."
Michael Oh: "Give a damn for Christ." ('damn' refers to a small Indian coin, which was of little value. That's where the expression 'I don't give a damn' comes from. Oh was encouraging people to give money for the sake of the gospel. I didn't like it, many people didn't.)
D.A. Carson: "To live above with those you love is quite the wanted glory: to live below with those you know, quite another story." (poking fun at our discontent)
David Platt: HE QUOTED EIGHT CHAPTERS OF ROMANS. I think that's enough.
Of course, there were many other speakers who did breakout sessions. I don't have a quote from them, so I hope you're satisfied. It was a great time. You should come for the next CROSScon. Visit their website at crosscon.com to learn more about global missions. Sayonara!
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