Confessions of a Ten Year Old

Mom, remember back when the vase broke and I blamed it on the dog? I lied. We have no dog.

That time the toilet was clogged and it turned out that the pipes were stuffed with full pieces of broccoli? That's how it came out.

When I put a cockroach down Uncle Jim's shirt? He told me to. The cockroach, I mean.

Remember when I said the dog ate my homework? I lied. I ate it. Also, we have no dog.

Sometimes during the night, when everyone's asleep, I sneak into the kitchen and have a drink of water.

When I say I don't know how to do that math problem, I really mean I hate the fact that this universe has to add up.

That girl who I threw that rock at and gave a concussion? She's my one true love. We're getting married as soon as she gets out of hospice and turns 21. 

When you walked in on me sucking my finger and scolded me for acting like a baby? I was actually just picking my nose and eating it.

When I baked those really weird tasting muffins? That was cocaine, not flour. And they were technically patties.

I don't actually go to sleep when you want me to. I just stay awake, lying there. For minutes. Dreaming.

Oh. Wait.

A Semi-Review On "Now You See Me"...and other ravings. Merry Christmas.

So why is it that anything with a scrap of potential to be art in this world is sand-blasted clean of it with the hose of worldly grime? Because I just saw Now You See Me, and it was a towering disappointment.

I've gotten into the habit of looking up movies on IMDB, mostly for the parent's review which, for the most part, gives you a good overview of the questionable parts of the movie.
The only problem is, its standards aren't very high at times.

Whoever's in charge of the rating system needs to be replaced with, like, an Amish priest or something. Because seriously, the standards set by the current system are screwed up. Especially that PG-13 rating. Baloney Sandwiches, you sons of mothers. PG-13 could mean anything from "It's okay for 13 and up" or "Really rated R but we wanted more people to be suckered into seeing it because pee gee thurteeeeen".

So back to the movie I was talking about - I went to look it up. Okay, so the sexual content was questionable. Bordering on unwatchable (if it had been the extended version...definitely unwatchable), but not permanently scarring. Fine. Violence - well, I can deal with most violence. Language? Oh, well, not nearly as bad as some movies. Bordering on unwatchable, but still watchable...

...right?

Wrong. Was I ever so wrong. See, IMDB is usually accurate on everything, but this time they slipped up big-time when they missed about ten thousand religious expletives...you know, anything from OMG to GD to JC.
So what's the deal, IMDB? Did you think those didn't qualify as swearing? Why? Because they're religious? They didn't even mention religious expletives. But apparently 'hell' and 'damn' aren't in any way religious, because they certainly mention those.

So I went around after the movie to see if there were any sites that actually reported on this accurately. I even specifically searched for Christian movie sites, to see if they had any listings like IMDB's...and to my shock, almost zero results did. Some had vague references, like "Oh yeah, the swearing is bad". That's useless to me. Of course the swearing's bad. I want to know what specifically they say. If they drop an f-bomb once or twice, then I can stand to watch the movie. But a bucketload of taking the Lord's name in vain? Why, movie industry? Why?

Well, it's not like I don't expect movies to include this sort of garbage, but it would be really nice to know before I watch the movie.
Does anyone know of such a website that is very specific on what sort of bad stuff the movie includes? I will be in your debt for eternity. If not, I'm planning on starting some sort of blog that outlines this stuff myself. It needs to be done.

As for the movie, I don't recommend watching it, for reasons that should be obvious. It was visually impressive, the magic was neat, the characters shallow and the plot questionable. But the thousand nails in the coffin of Now You See Me is that, while it could have been passable, somebody thought "You know what this script is missing? A truckload of cussing."
Yeah. Wouldn't be a good movie without that, would it?

Merry Christmas.

Rambling on: Star Wars Battlefront 2

If you've not played this game, this won't make much sense.

Kamino: 0500 hours.

Looking down the proverbial scope of my proverbial sniper at the proverbial AI charging up the proverbial ramp in a straight line directly into my proverbial crosshairs, I give a proverbial sigh and wonder if I really don't know what proverbial means, and if I use it too much.
Click!
Click!
Click!
I've been what gamers call 'camping' on a high outpost that, in the Battlefront version of Kamino, creates a landscape I'm fairly certain is similar to that of Omaha Beach in WWII, because the carnage is pretty intense.

Or maybe the AI are just stupid. Yeah. That's probably it, I think. Man, they sure do like that little spot in my scope that equals their head getting blown off...
Whoops! Wonder if that stormtrooper had a family? He got hisself involved in the wrong massacre, at any rate. Bet he was a terrible dad.
An engineer behind me tosses me some more ammo, which is good, because if I wander off to go refill my ammo for even thirty seconds, the enemy AI are probably going to swarm the center of the map...the platform I've been sweeping clear. My team really couldn't survive without me. I probably account for at least a third of the enemy casualties.
"You're on FIRE!" plays one of the AI encouragement lines.
Thanks, pal. You know why? Because you sorry lot couldn't hit the broadside of the Pentagon with an airplane. So I have to pick up the pace to balance out your incompetent...
Yeah, thanks for the shout-out, anyway.


Tatooine: 0530.

Dance for me! DAAAAAANCE!

It's not even a challenge. And the difficulty's supposedly set on 'Elite'? Maybe I've just had this game for too long.
It's the Tuskens vs Jawas, and if you're any fan of Star Wars then you know without a doubt who should win this matchup. Not only are they friggin' nomadic hunters, the Tuskens are just...better. Period.
But nope. Screw logic! Says Battlefront, and the Jawas are winning. It's probably because A. They're smaller and thus harder to hit and B. Their weapons shoot chain lightning that is practically impossible to miss with.

But you know who I went with anyway? The Tuskens. And here I am, charging around doing CQB with a bolt-action beam rifle, because aw yeah, that's how I roll.
Wait, the Jawas are still kicking our butts? Hold on a second...

-Three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later-
HALF OF MY TEAM SCORED NO KILLS AT ALL?
Bollocks.


Tatooine: 0600 hours.

We're back! And this time it's a Heroes vs Villians, in an all-out epic duel of the century!

I choose you, Villians!

All right, here I am, rockin' my Vader, charging these cretins and...oh, I'm dead.
Who killed me? LEAH? You're kidding.
Respawning...yup...gonna kick some AI Princess rear...
WHAT? SPAWN CAMPING IS FOR HUMANS, YOU STUPID COMPUTER!

THAT SABER THROW WAS TOTALLY AIMBOT!

YOU GANGED UP! FIGHT ME LIKE MEN!

YOU HEROES ARE SO OP!

~Defeat~

Hackers.