Well, here it is. For the purposes of this review, I'll just refer to the movie as BvSDOJ for short, since it's a long-as-garbage name.
(I don't mean it's garbage. It's just long. Calm down.)
What fans were thinking when I said that.
I went to go see BvSDOJ on the pre-showing show, something I don't do often. Mostly because I had nothing better to do that night. Eleven dollars and forty cents later, I had some semi-mixed feelings.
Was it worth my arm and leg? Or was it a waste of time? Read on and find out.
So, to go with the long name went a long movie - two and a half hours of longness. Did I happen to mention it was long? Yeah, it was.
Then again, that was partly due to the fact that the showing was at 9:15 and went until about midnight. Why do people go to these things at these ungodly hours?
Because they're crazy, that's why.
Hey, you know what else is ungodly? This movie.
Hold your batarangs, I'm being serious. On top of two very provoking swears that take the Lord's name in vain, there is also the twisted reasoning of the villain who says, and I somewhat-directly-quote, "I found out early on that if God is all powerful, then He cannot be all good, and if God is all good, then He cannot be all powerful."
Look movie, I realize that the 'Problem of Evil' is a legitimate question. Don't try and present your answer as absolute.
If you're saying "Well, yeah, but it's a movie, stupid. People aren't stupid enough to take what a movie says and translate it to fact, hurrdurr."
Oh really?
Yes.
Yes they are.
I will also add to my scraps with this film the COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY bathtub scene where the subject in question puts their big FAT toe right SMACKIN' square on the line of EXPLICIT, getting as CLOSE as they can without crossing it.
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.
You have problems, Hollywood.
You've had problems.
And now...
SPOILER ALERT
I mustache you a question: do you trust movie trailers?
You shouldn't.
You know, I honestly don't know if the spoiler alert is much good at all, seeing as how this movie had about 5,000 or so trailers before its release. The hype train is real, choo choo.
Now, a few things.
If I had to put a number on how much of this movie was dreams and/or flashbacks, I would say maybe 15 percent. Which is a problem. Do you know how confusing things get? I mean eventually you're like "oh yeah, this is a dream, 'cause it doesn't make a whit of sense", but how necessary are they, really?
It feels a bit cheap when you're tying together plot points with dweams and fwashbacks. Which actually gave me a brilliant theory: what if Batman and Superman are both just asylum inmates who have a rivalry? And the whole movie is really a dream?
NOTHING YOU KNOW IS REAL.
Smoke weed ever day.
Oh, and can we address the fact that Batman CLEARLY kills people in this film? What happened to your one rule, Batman? Was it Affleck? I bet it was Affleck. Or maybe it was that chubby Batsuit you were wearing. Just couldn't hold back the urges, could you, you maniac. *adds point to asylum theory*
(No but in all seriousness, what the actual garbage, mother seal. And Affleck did a fine job, btw.)
I mean really, what's your excuse for flat-out destroying bad guys in magnificent and glorious explosions caused by your fifty caliber machine gun mounted on that veritable tank of a thing you call a Batmobile? Or that time you knifed a guy in the chest (with his own knife, which was wickedly sweet thankyouverymuch)?
"Bang bang, mother seals!"
"They ran into my bullets, hurrdurr."
"I can't control whether explosions kill people, herrderr."
"I totally wasn't going to kill Superman with that kryptonite spear, just make him BLEED, herpllllpppppppppp."
You're so full of poop, Batman.
Go sit in a corner and think about what you've done.
One other gripe I have with this movie is Wonder Woman's glorified swimsuit. It's like video game logic: "The less armor a female character wears, the more her opponents are distracted by her appearance, therefore the more protected she is, therefore it's betterrrrherrrrrrderrr."
Also, how did Batman become so buddy-buddy with Superman all of a sudden? Even the friends I went to the movie with were confused by how quickly they went from MORTAL KOMBAT to chum chummity chum chum. Apparently all you have to do is mention that your mothers had the same name.
Which, I mean, I...totally understand, ahem. Love you, Mom, don't kill me.
*adds another point to asylum theory*
One last detail that is MAJOR SPOILERS so you were warned...
Superman dies.
Yeah, I know, sad ri-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL, THE FILM INDUSTRY WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT. TOTALLY PSYCHED YOU OUT, RIGHT???
Right?
It worked, right?
Please?
...
......
Get a life, Hollywood.
END SPOILERS
All that being said, if you looked at BvSDOJ from a strictly plot view, it's...fine. Hence why I had some 'mixed feelings', like I said way, way back in the beginning of this post.
The movie feels a bit contrived now and again, but for the most part it orchestrates the Batman vs. Superman thing fine - though (MINOR SPOILER ALERT) the actual showdown only takes up around ten minutes or so of actual screen time. Kind of anticlimactic.
One point I will give this movie is the music. Hans Zimmer, once again, did a great job - even though he reused a lot of the music themes from Man of Steel, it felt very appropriate and overall was a good decision. It added a lot to the atmosphere of the movie.
Speaking of which, the movie was almost overly touchy-feely at times, like it was trying to not-so-subtly push you one way or the other. Like a car commercial, just a bit less blatant and stupid.
All in all, I don't really see myself watching this film again. Maybe once. I certainly don't think you should go to the theater for it - come at me fanboys, I'll destroy you with my own personal Mjolnir.
I mean, my fist.
Duh.
5/10, would maybe watch again, but probably not.
What fans are thinking after that review.
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