Facebook

*Facedesk*
*Facewall*

You know, if I keep this up, I'll start looking like those expensive luxury cats.
Then again, cats are in style on the internet...

*Facewall*
*Facefloor*

On second thought, I think my face likes itself un-smushed.

So people, it's time for a little talk about social networking, AKA Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Earth, Moon, Mars, yeah.

When I take a shower, I am not going to talk about this because it is private and is not necessary for posting to a social network. Savvy? Now all you instagram hipsters can go back to the 80's, when people were stupid before it was cool. Go on, run! There's a bag of Cheetos, way way out there! Go get 'em!

Are they gone?

All right. Here's what not to post on Facebook. Post anything else and hallelujah, amen, you are dismissed. Thank you for existing.

1. Food
You may think that chocolate strawberry banana kiwi apple broccoli liver stone soup was heavenly. Good for you. Don't post something like that and get my mouth watering too. I'll just be disappointed when I find out I don't have anything near as awesome.

2. Selfies
Now selfies aren't that bad. Two thousand selfies, on the other hand, is an eensy bit extravagant. And for the record: good selfies are when you're looking into your camera and smiling. Bad selfies are when you're standing in front of your bathroom mirror holding your phone. You look like you're texting anyway and you certainly aren't looking at the camera lens. And clean up your bathroom, dude. No one wants to see that.

3. Vague posts
"Oh my goodness I will never forgive you. You wrecked my life. Have fun breaking people's hearts. I hate you."
Well. First of all, you're twelve. Second of all, what? Third of all, nobody cares.

4. Begging for attention
"Like for Naruto! Comment for Obama! Ignore for JB!"
All hail the king of Facebook, Justin Beiber.

5. Save the starving children in Africa
Or...any political people as well. "like if you hate people attacking the second amendment!" Well, I may not like people attacking the 2nd amendment, but I'm afraid that Obama will not buckle under the million likes your status is totally going to get. Nor will starving children in Africa be able to eat them. Life is cruel.

6. Deep
Cousins to the 'vague' posts. Say something blow-your-mind inspirational...except it didn't blow my mind, and I'm just annoyed you burned that many calories typing such a useless message. Plus, what?

7. Cultural annotations
"Cool story, bro" "YOLO" "Swag" "#hashtag". You know what? That comeback was so lame smokers be like 'yo, you need a joint, man'. YODO too, buddy. Swag is from heaven and will most definitely make you a CEO and produce money out of thin air. And keep that pointless tag in Pointless Land, not social media.

8. Exercise
This goes with 'do you even lift?' You know what, people? I'm so glad your exercise is fruitful. You obviously needed it. You can even post a 'before' and 'after' picture. But the last thing we want to hear is how you walked the Appalachian trail in thirty minutes, pausing to tour DC halfway up. It makes us feel like lazy idiots for being on Facebook. Way to help our self-esteem. Now go eat your pulsing meal with more than 90% vitamins and 5 carbs. Run off and do your five-hour jog. I need another bag of Doritos.


You know, I feel like there should be more than eight. There probably is. Now these are based on Facebook, but they apply to any social media network. Don't, I repeat, Do not post these, and I will love you forever, O person worthy of spending time on the internet.

Yolo.

You On Leaf, Obviously.