The Green Lantern - Rant

So many of you have probably heard of this movie a long time ago and are just now remembering it.
Why?
It's much like the Wizard of Oz. Played up a lot and a load of...
Yeah. Well.

I looked at the cover of this movie and thought "GAAAAAAY". I'm not quite sure why; maybe it was the picture of a guy in a skintight green suit with his arms held out to the side.
Oh wait, that's the hero?
Bother.

SPOILERS ALERT

So we start out with a narrator, who spouts all the exposition we need to know about the Green Lanterns and the gay society and le random villian who just happens to the the cheesiest one I can call to mind - Fear itself. DAAHah! I'm already wetting my pants.
Switch to Amon Sul, the only Green Lantern (of 3600 others in the galaxy) powerful enough to contain this entity (known as 'Paralax'). And...within the first five minutes, he gets his rear kicked by said entity who breaks out of prison and comes after him. Hmmm. Where did that 'powerful enough to defeat fear itself' stuff go?
Mortally wounded, he heads for the nearest sector. Which is, *cue dramatic music EARTH!!! Wow, I never could have guessed!
And there we find our main protagonist, a fighter pilot named Hal Jordan. Apparently he's somewhat of a hotshot (did I mention he actually wraps a present while driving? And he gets away with it? Either he's awesome or stupid, and by the end of this post you'll - like me - be opting for the latter). He blows a mock dogfight and as a result is suspended. On the way home he's grabbed by a glowing...green...ball of light? Huh? And then he's transported to the location where Amon Sul crashes...which, coincidentally, is just outside New York City.
Cue the Monsters Vs. Aliens, please. "Once again a UFO has landed in America...the only country UFOs ever seem to land in."
Apparently Amon Sul's ring has 'chosen' Hal to be his successor, who inherits his ring and lantern. Following that is a bunch of confusing stuff where he tries to figure out the ring and nothing of consequence happens beyond establishing the fact that the Green Lanterns are basically wimps. Hal goes through a bunch of dumb circumstances and in the process finds out that oh no, Paralax is headed towards Earth and then to the Green Lantern's home of Oa.

Hold on a second while I contain my laughter.

Pffffff....'OA'? SERIOUSLY? Imagine the naming of this planet, if you will. "Hey guys, we need a name for the center of the universe." "Oh, uh..." "That's it!! Oh uh! Brilliant! We'll just make it two letters so it'll look spacey and viola!"
Oh yeah, this planet is also the source of 'willpower' which is where the Green Lanterns get all their energy from.
That's so cheesy I got constipated just hearing it.

So in order to defeat Paralax the head of the Green Lanterns decides to fight fear with fear. So he mandates the creation of a 'fear ring'. Oooh, development! Finally!
But Hal manages to convince him not to use it so he can fight Paralax...so that whole plot point goes to wherever useless plot points go.
And basically what happens is that Hal gets his butt kicked for a couple minutes then kicks Paralax's butt in thirty seconds and then everything gets wrapped up. The Green Lanterns do a stupid type of 'Oo-rah', Hal gets the girl, and everything ends happily ever after.

Pffffcchhhhheeeelolhahahaa.....coupla things. Number one, when Amon Sul crashes on earth and dies, the government discovers him and is like 'whoa, aliens exist??'
WHAT? Look, people. This is an alien movie about an alien organization and Earth doesn't even know aliens exist? You can't just factor that into the movie! In fact, it could have easily been left out! It has almost no impact on the story whatsoever.
I've also mentioned that this movie is cheesy. I mean REALLY cheesy. Insert extremely cheesy joke about cheesiness here. I guess you'd have to watch it to comprehend just how cheesy its cheesiness can get.

On that note though...don't watch. It.
It's a waste of time. I borrowed it from the library so it wasn't so much a waste of money, but still. Don't bother. Like a friend of mine said about a certain book series, this movie is a 'load of poo with bacon bits on the top'. There's a couple funny moments and I admit the animation is pretty cool at times, but overall it's a pile of poo. With bacon bits on the top.
Excuse me while I go and attempt to unplug my intestines.