So,
have any of you heard of a certain...actor named Logan Lerman?
Eh.
Heh.
Eheh.
Ehxcuse me while I take a bathroom break.
*flush
Right, I'm back. So, today we're going to go over two movies both starring the above mentioned eunuch. First: 'The Three Musketeers'. Second: 'The Lightning Thief'.
The Three Must Get Ears:
So, I'm assuming all of you have heard of this classic. If not, go and finish third grade, then come back. This movie was basically a remake of all the other remakes in order to remake the classic story. Go ahead, read it again. I'll wait.
Oh and by the way, have you ever heard of the game Telephone? You sit in a circle with a bunch of other people and whisper a message into the person to your left's ear. He/she repeats what she heard in the next person's ear, and so on until it comes back 'round to you, and you get to see how terribly scrambled the message ended up.
THAT'S. THIS. MOVIE.
I don't know if you guys have seen the rather older version made in the (I believe) 1990's, but by far it kicks this one galaxies away. This movie was just so unbelievably cheesy I was nearly as constipated as the time I watched the Green Lantern.
So the main character is Dartagnan, or however you spell that name. (aaaahhhh) He's potrayed by Logan Lerman (aaaaaahhhhgain). No seriously, I have a hard time distinguishing this, er, human from their opposite sex (whichever that is). Of course, he's a hotshot with his blade and his mouth, getting into quite a lot of trouble and still managing to look like an overstuffed peacock (what I don't get is how the ladies fall for him).
The other characters - Athos, Porthos, and Aramis - are somewhat better, though still poorly cast. And the plot is so weird and different I didn't even recognize the original story.
Telephone, people. Telephone.
Oh, did I also mention Orlando Bloom is the main villian (or one of them)? He's also poorly cast. He's just not the villian type, as I'm sure anyone who's seen Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings will agree. You girly elf.
Overall, the whole movie was just plain dumb. Overacting was all over the place. The plot was twisted and just not Three Musketeers at all - and the movie seemed like it was trying to make up for that with over-done action. If you want a real Musketeers story, watch the one I mentioned earlier. It was filmed in 1993, and stars Charlie Sheen, Chris O'Donnel, and Kiefer Sutherland as the Three Musketeers.
The Lightning Thief
Boy, did I hate this movie. I reeeeaaally hated it. I can't remember whether I hated it more than the previous mention, but whatever. They're both horrible.
So this movie, once again, stars Logan Lerman. This movie is based off of the first book in the 'Percy Jackson and the Olympians' series written by Rick Riordan. If you haven't read the series, read it. It's very entertaining.
As a big fan of Riordan, of course I was destined to hate this piece of corroded film. The plot is hurried and full of holes. They departed from the book in several major ways, a few being that Annabeth has brown hair and blue eyes instead of blonde hair and gray eyes. That really ticked me off. At least get the girl right! Another would be that Luke is not portrayed as he is in the book. Neither is the final 'epic' battle, which by the way was bad. In fact the whole movie was bad.
What is it with Logan Lerman? Why ruin so many potentially good movies with him? Or perhaps I'm being too hard on him, in which case...why ruin an actor on horrible movies? I'm convinced the only reason he has a career is because he looks 'pretty'. Please don't watch anything with him in it. It's a waste of time and money.
Excuse me while I take a bathroom break.
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